In many ways we're all pretty casual in college. We wear jeans and flip-flops like there's no tomorrow, eat and drink unhealthily, and watch really bad television instead of studying. And in terms of our romantic attachments, I'm sure we can all agree: Ew, emotional attachment, I do what I want -- right? But I shudder at the phrase "hookup culture" because it's such a cliché, and kind of a downer.
Instead, I support the "pseudo-non-relationship." The phrase stems from one of my favorite sayings: "College, no feelings!" Same concept as "College, no parents!" except that instead of parents, it's about not getting overly attached to a pseudo-non-girlfriend or boyfriend. It's a nifty philosophy unless you pseudo-breakup and then it downward spirals into admittance of self-delusion. But whatever, man. For a couple months at least, you're good to go.
The non-relationship has its benefits, mostly because of its philosophy of fun. Logically, when there's nothing serious at stake, you have nothing to lose. It's brilliant because if you don't care where the relationship is going, you won't care if the worst happens. You can watch "Jeopardy" and make out like bandits during the commercial breaks, and neither has to worry about who likes the other one more, or what your relationship status is, or why one of you isn't more considerate of the other's feelings. For one thing, your "Jeopardy" game is a lot better when you are relationship worry-free. Come to think of it, everything is better when you are relationship worry-free. More time to concentrate on fun stuff, like all the reading you've gotten behind in or your future career.
It is arguable, though, that the non-relationship I have described is an unrealistic ideal. Two people can't be in agreement about what they're doing, or not doing, when they haven't discussed it. It often happens that a pseudo-non-boyfriend becomes more attached than the pseudo non-girlfriend, or the other way around, and then it gets awkward when the non-girlfriend is totally over it, and then non-relationship isn't even ambiguous. It's just over.
And why do some of us bolt at the mention of "girlfriend" or "boyfriend?" And if we don't bolt, it seems we get a little freaked out about being claimed as such by someone else. Or maybe we just suspect possible boltage from the other person and don't want to be the lame, clingy one to bring it up, when the pseudo non-significant other might have wanted us to mention it all along. How is it that these seemingly innocuous terms signify something so different from what's actually going on?
To be fair, it is pretty awkward when friends/cab drivers/waiters question whether the non-boyfriend is a boyfriend and then you have to decide whether it's worth explaining the pseudo-relationship or if you should just suck it up and call him your boyfriend even if he's never declared his boyfriend-ness.
And when things come to an end, is it easier to recover from a pseudo-non-relationship? Are the stakes really lower and the bar not as high, or is it easier to imagine your relationship this way because you'll get over it quickly? It could be that the flirtiness and excitement of new relationships are so appealing that we don't want to do anything to ruin it by trying to define it. Is it all fun and games until someone gets hurt?
Here is what I suspect is the flaw behind "College, no feelings:" Whether you want to admit it or not, a friendship develops from a pseudo-non-whatever that is harder to shake than you think. People who are attracted to each other and spend a lot of time together become friends, and they can't pretend it wasn't great unless they are secretly robots. So is there any difference between the breaking up of friends or non-couples or couples? It depends on the person, but I'm wondering if it really needs to be this complicated. If you're cool with being friends and more, can't it just be as simple as watching "Jeopardy" and eating chips and salsa with your pseudo-non-significant other? Alex Trebec and I sure hope so.
Mary's column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at mbaroch@cavalierdaily.com.
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