The other night, in an attempt to postpone the imminent discomfort of writing a paper, I made a list of disgustingly mediocre or stupid things that have no importance whatsoever and should be eliminated from existence.
The first on the list is rattails. Rattails serve no purpose. They are not as hard-core as mullets and they look nasty -- especially if they happen to be curly. They can also potentially be life-threatening if you are trying to elude a pursuer and the pursuer grabs onto it, preventing your escape.
Next on the list is loud chewers. I have the unfortunate luck of being plagued by a certain loud chewer in the Alderman stacks. I try to mix up my study pattern so as not to encounter this dude, but he and his sandwich always find their way next to me. The sounds coming from his mouth have no place in this world. Heavy breathers also fit into this category.
Girls who yell at bugs are pretty useless, too. A girl I live with (she shall remain nameless) once woke me up from a nap to kill a bug on her bed. Granted, the bug did seem to have an unusually large number of legs, but it was already dead.
People who cough on you during lecture are completely disgusting and have no right to populate this planet. Next time you decide to let your nose drip onto my exam, clear your throat so I can almost visualize the mucus or just emanate general sickness from your glands, please stay home.
The color tan is pretty useless. It is no one's favorite color, and no one says, "Yeah, I just bought this super sexy tan dress for the party." Your appendix is also pretty useless: It is prone to infection without any redeeming characteristics.
If North Dakota were erased from the map of the United States, I don't think that anyone would notice. What does North Dakota have besides grasslands, harsh winters and a few of the remaining buffalo? Of all the states, this is the one I would vote off the island.
What about those people who e-mail a class list-serve of 200 when they miss a class? Does anyone ever really e-mail them back?
When I went to Italy with my mom a few years ago, we took a lunch break in Sienna. We found a nice little sandwich shop that would satisfy our needs well. My mom proceeded to ask for a ham sandwich in a voice that was just about as loud as if she were trying to get the attention of a crowd of 500 people, as if speaking louder would help breach the language barrier. She also incorporated a lot of weird hand movements that I could only interpret as a hand representation of a ham sandwich. I turned away in shame as the nice man behind the counter responded in perfect English, "Would you like that in a paper bag?" That moment didn't need to occur; that embarrassment could have been left untouched. Moments in my life like that should be eliminated.
Cauliflower could be eliminated. It is one of those filler foods I don't think anyone really likes. It is a colorless and tasteless form of broccoli. Although it is high in nutritional value, I personally believe people only eat it because they feel bad for it.
Finally, one of the most useless and pointless things on this earth are the wings of flightless birds. Poor guys ... they are born with cruel reminders of the flying they will never experience. I do not suggest removal of the birds from existence, for I do love a good peacock or penguin sighting -- just their wings.
After compiling this list I realized there are a lot of useless things hanging about ... and I still had a paper to write. I felt pretty useless myself.
Maggie's column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at jones@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 4 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 6 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
