Student: Sam Bulasky Class: SPAN 101 "Family Matters" character: What?
Attentiveness: 1
Enthusiasm: 1
Hotness: I don't think it would be appropriate for me to comment on a student's physical appearance, but if I had to, I would say 1.
Overall score: 1
Professor's Comments: When he wasn't snoozing in class, Sam pretended to take notes on his laptop. It was pretty obvious he was just playing solitaire, because no one takes notes in an intro-level language course, and because the only time he ever spoke to me was to ask, "How do you say 'solitaire' in French?" Yeah, that's right, he thought he was enrolled in a French course for the entire semester. Also, every Friday morning he stumbled in either hung over or still wasted. One time he had a pizza delivered to the classroom, and he didn't have enough cash on him, so I had to provide the tip. His cell phone rang in class at least weekly, and his ring tone was "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones. I realize that last part doesn't seem so bad, but the problem is, I love that song. And you know how when you hate someone and then you find out you have something in common with them, you have to burn every one of your possessions that is associated with that thing? Well, that's what happened with me and Sam and that song. In conclusion, if Sam signs up for your class, you should definitely ... you know, still teach him. I mean you have no choice, right?
Student: Wilbur Dee Williams
Class: ANTH 327
"Family Matters" character: No...
Punctuality: 5
Office Hours Attendance: 1
Overall score: 5
Professor's Comments: Wilbur, or "The Wilburnator" as we sometimes like to call him, is a son of a gun. I love him! First of all, his name is Wilbur. Who is named Wilbur anymore? That takes guts, man. Also, one time he came to my office hours. Can you believe that? I don't even go to my office hours most of the time! What a guy. When people ask me how my son is doing, I say, "Well, he's no Wilbur, if that's what you're asking." Usually they respond that that's most certainly not what they were asking. Then they'll say something about how it's not appropriate for a father to disparage his son, but that's probably just because they haven't had the privilege of meeting Wilbur. Anyway, I heard Wilbur was an English major, and I'm trying to get transferred to that department so I can teach him forever.
Student: Bridget Sassman
Class: HIST 372
"Family Matters" character: What in the hell are you talking about?
Engagement: 1
Questions: 1
Overall score: 1
Professor's Comments: It's not that Bridget wasn't engaged or didn't ask any questions. It's that she was overly engaged and asked too many questions. Did she do all the assignments? Sure. Did she care about the material? Absolutely. But I've been studying this field for 35 years, and it gets tiring when a 19-year-old grills me on trivial facts every day and challenges universally accepted principles just to let the other students know she's ahead in the reading. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned apathy?
Student: Steve Urkel
Class: PHYS 986
"Family Matters" character: Yes!
Nerdiness: 5
Nerdliness: 5
Nerdacity: I don't know what that is but 5
Overall score: 3.6
Professor's Comments: Steve is a lot different from my other students in that he is portrayed by Jaleel White. The frustrating thing is that the kid never breaks from character. During one class he single-handedly destroyed $30,000 worth of microscope lenses and then said, "Did I do that?" as if we were about to go to a commercial break. I still don't know how he got that studio audience into the lab or why they always seemed to take his side. Although Steve is very smart and has successfully engineered a time machine, he wouldn't stop calling me Carl, which was irritating.
Student: Stefan Urquelle
Class: SWAG 669
"Family Matters" character: Yes!
Suaveness: 5
Sophistication: 5
Overall Score: 5
Professor's Comments: Stefan came to the first lecture of the semester wearing a bathrobe. He asked every woman in the room for her phone number and got them all. Then he announced he was leaving to go model in Paris for awhile. He didn't return until several weeks after the final exam had been administered and never submitted any coursework to speak of. On the other hand, he told me I was "far too beautiful a woman to be working as a college professor" and explained that my good looks had intimidated him, thus forcing him to flee. I had no choice but to give him an A-.
*All names appearing in this column are fictitious, except for Jaleel White -- but let's be honest, at this point he may as well be fictitious, too.
Dan's column runs weekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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