Welcome to a special holiday edition of Wild Kingdom presented by Mutual of Omaha. This week, we spotlight a low life form at the University of Virginia. The creature has been under observation since late August, and today we present you with the highlights of four months of footage. The behavior of the beast provides both an illuminating and entertaining time. Let's take a gander.
The humanoid animal's binomial name is primo annus of the family virginae. This species goes by the common name 'first-year student' at the University of Virginia. Other aliases include but are not limited to rookie, noob, novice, neophyte, et cetera. The brute must never be called the f-word, as many similar life forms across the country are, because it will send the animal into a fit-like rage.
Primo annus is a seasonal animal and migrates in and out of Charlottesville four to six times a year. They arrive in the late summer and descend on the town as a dark cloud so ominous that local residents cower in their homes on Move-In Day. Their departure in December is just in time to ring in the Christmas cheer.
The creature's natural habitat ranges from the intersection of McCormick and Alderman Roads to the intersection of Rugby and Grady. Their turf, as if they can stake a claim to any parcel of land, consists of "new" and "old" dorms. On a trip through first-year dorms it is entertaining to see them fritter here and there, scurrying in and out of buildings. They are mostly harmless, and if left unprovoked, they will allow safe passage. However, were one to point out the frivolous and comical nature of their lives and their low status on the totem pole at the University, they would take offense and start to swarm. A mob would likely form as they defend themselves, citing a lack of "respect" and that theirs is a natural evolutionary period.
An important landmark within primo annus' territory is the Observatory Hill Dining Hall, known commonly to first years as O-Hill or to upperclassmen as the third circle of hell (according to Wikipedia, this is actually the region for gluttons, but Wikipedia abuse is the subject of another column). Feeding time is very dangerous as first years have a tendency to get very cranky and agitated when they have gone too long without food. Away from their mothers for the first time, they are still growing accustomed to fending for themselves in the wild and gathering food on their own.
Overcrowding and fierce competition for food is especially high at midday when many a primo annus has recently awoken from his or her slumber and others are returning from a morning on the prowl around Grounds. The evening meal is probably the worst, as all first years tend to pass through O-Hill between the hours of six and seven. Enter at your own risk during these peak hours (note: Wild Kingdom would like to issue a blanket warning to the elderly, pregnant women, small children and those with heart conditions not to go to O-Hill as the long waits for food and no guarantee of receiving food could cause them to expire from exhaustion). The danger does not cease once you have left the premises, as first years will exit the building riding a sugar high from an overdose of ice milk that produces very erratic behavior and will crash some time later.
The pack mentality is especially strong amongst first years. The rarest occurrence on Grounds is seeing a first year traveling alone. They move in herds everywhere: to class, the gym and sporting events. This tendency is especially prevalent on weekend nights as they take to the streets in groups ranging from five to 10 and hoards with as many as 30. They would make Attila proud. First-year groups travel up and down Rugby Road late into the night in search of that evening's popular watering hole. It is best to simply stay out of their way and let them run their course. Approach them at your own risk.
The worst part of the primo annus is their never-ending supply. Just when you think that one group has evolved, another appears that looks the same and is twice as worse. Each year the administration attempts to sugarcoat the arrival of the next hoard by proclaiming them the best yet and attaching a particular buzz word to soften the blow. This year's primo annus invasion is called the most diverse ever. Well, only time will tell.
This, of course, is the most important lesson. The first-year developmental state is a necessary evolutionary stage in the maturation of a proper Wahoo. My advice: Put your trust in Jefferson and Darwin and let U.Va. evolution run its course. Live and let live and remember that there is still a little primo annus in each one of us.
As winter draws near and final examinations approach, the first in a series of rites of passage will face each individual primo annus as they are separated from the hoard and put through the wringer one by one. If they pass, they will be one step closer to elevating their status in the fall.
Join us next time as we examine "The Fourth-Year Fifth: Urban Legend or Superhuman Feat."
John's column runs biweekly Fridays. He can be reached at gregory@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
Khul Ke Nacho — a celebration of free-spirited dancing
By Malaika Rehman | 1 hours agoThe sea of attendees wearing desi attire and dancing joyfully throughout the night was a reflection of the thriving Pakistani community in and outside of PSA.
Holding onto every grain in the hourglass
By Mai Hukuoka | YesterdayNow that I’m back at school, I have made it my mission to take note of the sneaky passage of time.
Students brave the cold for a whirlwind sorority rush
By Mia Tan | 3 days agoStudents recount a mix of emotions from rush, with some disappointed after dropping from the recruitment process and others ecstatic to join Greek life.
