If you're like me, your parents have come to visit you at least once during your time at U.Va.
U.Va. student: "My parents told me I was an accident."
Immaterial, my friend. Have you ever been to Bodo's? Well, your dad hasn't, and you can't find that stuff wherever you're from. So whether to see you or because of ulterior motives, your parents have probably cleared parole once or twice and visited Charlottesville.
The fact is, our parents miss us from time to time and feel compelled to check to see how we're doing. I remember when I left for college, the departure wasn't easy on my folks. My mom was telling me that she loved me and that she would miss me, and my dad was scribbling. Scribbling what, you ask? Scribbling a gigantic poster with "U.V.A." on it to hang in his office so he could remember where the hell I was when people asked.
Parents usually schedule their visit around some sort of campus event. Though good on paper, these plans can prove problematic. The last time my parents came, it was for a football game. My mom is different from a lot of people when it comes to football. She thinks football games are boring forms of competition. She gets much more of a thrill out of seeing just how late she can be in leaving for the game before my dad takes a pen (the same one he used on the poster, incidentally) and their marriage certificate, writes "NEED ONE TICKET?" on the back and stakes out his own spot in front of Scott Stadium for the better part of the morning.
Once they eventually get to the game, things get no better. Meeting up with them is next to impossible, and conversations usually go nowhere:
Austin: "Mom, where are you guys?"
Mom: "....I've never seen so much popcorn. Bob, have you ever seen so m--"
Austin: "Mom, where are your seats?!"
Mom: "Oh. Ah, let's see. We're in the stadium, dear."
Austin: "Mom, where in the stad--"
Mom: "Honey, everyone's in ties. We aren't in ties. Are we underdressed?! Bob, I told you you should've worn your tie. Everyone's in ties! Why aren't you wearing your tie? Oh, they probably won't re-admit him for second semester, not when they find out who we are! At the very least, he'll be suspended. I can't believe you didn't wear a tie. How could you have not w--..."
Dad (in background): "$3.50?! For a water? Let me tell you about a little dance I call the "fall tuition," bud. What? You don't have any more water? What is this, Battlefield Earth? Those kids on the hill have flasks in their pocket that hold more water than you've got. Huh? I understand they don't use them for water, I was making a point. Honey, let's go, there are some ROTC kids over in that section. Good, honest American boys. I'm sure one of 'em has got a canteen I can take a hit off of."
Mom: "Bob, you're not even wearing a tie!"
Austin: "...So I'll catch up with you guys at the hotel, then."
After the game, the typical ritual is to play a rousing game of "redecorate Austin's place with the truckloads of stuff we brought." Again, fun times for all:
Mom: "Here, honey, I brought a new vacuum."
Austin (not looking up): "Got one."
Mom: "Where?"
Austin: (points to lint roller)
Mom: "Can you use a new ironing board?"
Austin: "...as a TV stand, a poor man's sled and to build the occasional fort? Yes."
Mom: "Tide?"
Austin: "Febreze."
Mom: "Hair dryer?"
Austin: "Ooh, bath toys!"
Mom: "Deodorant?"
Austin: "I will again refer you to the Febreze."
Mom: "It's filthy in here. You need a duster?"
Austin (getting annoyed): "You already gave me the hair dryer. It'll be like my own little leaf-blower."
After your folks leave town, they will still want to keep in touch with a weekly phone call. These are a good idea because it lets you and your parents touch base on the important matters concerning both of you. To this day, my father will start some calls with, "So ... you stayin' regular?" I then have to remind him that this is not actually my first time away at summer camp, and that my diet has plenty of fiber. Then, a puzzled silence:
Dad: "....Where is it you're in school, again?"
Austin (rubbing eyes): "Poster, Dad."
Austin's column runs biweekly Thursdays. He can be reached at awiles at cavalierdaily.com.
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