We've all had that feeling. The one worse than sleeping through your alarm. Worse than final exams. Worse than getting a root canal while in traffic court on your lunch break from a job at the IRS. It's the feeling you get when you face the harsh truth, that you're not going to make it back to your place in time: You're gonna have to use a U.Va. bathroom.
To begin, time of day must be considered. Nighttime is tricky. Frat-hopping on Rugby Road with several beverages ready for exodus? Go in the street. If you ever use a fraternity bathroom for any reason, your bone marrow will run thinner than a dress at the Grammys for the rest of your life, and you will die. On the other hand, if, by an act of God, you are ever granted the privilege of using the facilities at any U.Va. sorority, stay locked inside for as long as you can. The exposure to hope, butterflies and the ability to fly with wings that run on happiness will pay off down the road.
Daytime emergencies provide a much more diverse maze to navigate. Obviously a lot depends on gender and type of emergency. For the guys, Halsey Hall (look it up) is prime real-estate. The urinals in Halsey extend all the way to the floor. This a great feature for breaking up the monotony of class, as you instantly feel as if you're committing some sort of illicit crime on the side of a building when using them. Also, try listening to your iPod simultaneously. For a moment, you get to pretend to be a statue garden fountain of 'The David' that plays tunes and can return to class invigorated.
Halsey bathrooms also only have one urinal. This eliminates all possibility of infringement on guy-urinal code. A three-urinal set-up -- like the ones in Clemons or Gilmer -- has innumerable pitfalls. Round the corner to find someone at the middle unit of the three? He should've gone to the far side, leaving the middle unit as neutral territory. It's textbook. But given this error, I might as well just join our earlier frat-hopper out in the street. It's that devastating.
(Note: the earlier reference to Clemons bathrooms was a reference to the facilities on floors 1 to 3. Those on the fourth -- and ground level -- floor are of an echelon all unto themselves. Private 8-foot-by-7-foot spaces fully equipped with towels and sink? Dance-party study break, bring your friends).
Bathroom stalls for guys and girls alike provide still more variables. The bathrooms in Clark do one thing, and they do it well: Every toilet in that place could flush the obnoxious off a Tech fan. The water pressure in each stall is a breathtaking sight to be seen. Me, I like to carry around my own spare roll of TP so when in Clark, I can flush the whole thing -- tube be damned -- just to take full advantage of the resources U.Va. offers me that I don't have at home.
Indignant Inquirer: "If you're so adamant on taking advantage of our resources, might I ask if you have ever spent any time in the Special Collections Libr-"
Austin: "Holy... -- it just took down a whole roll of paper towels! Somebody get me a brick, this thing's gonna earn its paycheck!"
The automatic flushers, though powerful, still have their downsides, however. The fact of the matter is, sometimes a mid-visit stand-up to "rearrange" or to contribute to student life by scrawling your frat's letters on the wall confuses the automatic sensors, and can result in a tragic, emotionless whisking away ... before either of you were ready to say good-bye.
Exiting the stall can make or break your bathroom experience. Is there soap in the dispenser? Towels or electric hand-dryer? The greatest invention U.Va. has implemented has got to be the unresponsive hand-motion-activated towel dispensers in Ruffner Hall. Nothing helps you feel like less of an idiot after failing a test than standing bent over for 10 minutes in a bathroom, moving your dripping wet hands in front of a machine like somebody's drunk uncle waving goodbye to a bunch of kids in a Fisher Price playhouse.
In the end, when choosing a bathroom to use, try to pick one obscure enough that you won't have too much company, but one frequented enough that it will have plenty editions of this newspaper lying around to keep you entertained while you're in there.
Austin's column runs biweekly Thursdays. He can be reached at awiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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