Normally I do not write advice columns, because whenever I do offer advice, I somehow instigate a world war ("Why yes, Archduke Ferdinand, I think going for a drive is a great idea") or some freak coal mining accident ("No, guys, I'm pretty sure the canary is just playing dead").
Recently, however, I've been receiving a lot of letters asking for advice. Like a lot. Go figure. You would think writing solely about squirrels and drinking would invite hate mail, not personal questions asking me to solve real-life problems.
So to appease you, I will answer your letters. I apologize beforehand if any of my advice somehow lands you in prison.
Question One: Chris, I have three daughters and a son. I'm a working mother, and I just don't know how to manage them all. I have no free time. The only thing that provides a little relief is that they're all married and have moved away. But, like, I have to send them presents on holidays. What do you advise? -- Mad Mother
Try a babysitter. Or become a grandmother, which provides you with the God-given right to give, as a present, only a card with $2.35 inside.
Question Two: Chris, what is this rash on my upper thigh? -- Distressed Devin
I have to be honest, Devin, I'm not sure. Put a sample in a Petri dish, and see what happens. If it grows into a thriving civilization where reality shows rule prime time TV, take a whole bottle of Vicodin and amputate the thigh.
Question Three: Chris, I am having roommate problems. My roommate is normally a cool guy, but recently he's started to talk about his personal problems as if I cared. Just the other day he was talking about how lonely he was, and I was just like "Blah blah blah, shut up crybaby." I don't really know what to do. You've never cried, have you? -- Embarrassed Erik
No. At least, not on the outside.
Question Four: Hey! Love your stuff! You were excellent in "Fight Club." We even share the same name! -- Bubbly Brad
Hi Brad, I appreciate the praise, but I think you're thinking of Brad Pitt.
Question Five: I want to be an English major. What are the pros and cons of this decision? -- Undecided Ursula
Well, you'll be able to define "mendacious" and correct people's grammar, but the downside is that these same people make much more than you and will have no qualms about beating you up. Also, because you will move back home after college, your parents will learn to hate you.
Question Six: Chris, where do you get your ideas? -- Curious Catherine
This is one of those popular questions I am often asked, over and over, by the Honor Committee. Supposedly, modernizing jokes from "I Love Lucy" is considered plagiarism.
Question Seven: Are you single? -- Desperate Daphne
Hmmm ... depends on whether or not you own Guitar Hero.
Question Eight: Why am I the only one whose adjective and name are not alliterative? -- Perplexed Katie
You try finding an adjective that starts with "K."
Question Nine: What ever happened to the Nickelodeon show "Salute Your Shorts?" -- Nostalgic Nadine
Sadly, Camp Anawanna was demolished to pave way for a metropolitan shopping center. On the plus side, the new stores still make you want to fart.
So there you go. Again, I appreciate all of you questions. Please keep sending them in. I promise I'll respond to them as soon as the honor trial is over.
Chris' column runs Mondays. He can be reached at shuptrine@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 5 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | January 6, 2025What the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
