Has anyone heard about that fire in Newcomb that almost burnt all of U.Va. to a crisp? Did I tell you about how my friend almost dumped her fiancé, but now they are happily married with three children? Perhaps you could assume that I almost decided to turn over a new leaf, leave my bitter ways behind me and not exploit past romantic interests in a Cav Daily column?
As you might have guessed, "almost" is the key word in all of these sentences.
In our attempts to cope with the temporary nature of college, we have created a convenient institution I would like to dub "Almost Dating."
Almost Dating (noun) -- A condition that falls somewhere between the "It's Complicated" and "In a Relationship" designations on the Facebook availability spectrum, often characterized by engaging in lack-of-commitment activities such as "hanging out," or "grabbing lunch" so often that your other friends see you together and assume you are dating. When your friends make this fatal error, you must explain to them (in private) that no, although you both appear to be mature individuals in a healthy relationship, you are in fact both self-conscious dweebs too afraid of rejection to DTR.
Face it, we live in an age so detached by technology that the thought of having a real conversation with our (kinda) significant others sends us into a panic attack. So we keep our precious cell phones close to us in our pockets, hoping that it will vibrate alive with messages of nonchalant invitations to chill casually. When that message comes through (which nine times out of 10, it won't) you will be sure to dress down for the occasion. And if your hang-out session turns into a make-out session (which 99 times out of a 100, it won't), don't get your hopes up. Just because some dude kisses you, that doesn't make him your boyfriend. What do you think this is, "High School Musical Three?" Grow up.
Almost Dating is confusing, but it significantly reduces the number of awkward conversations you have to have. If you're cool with not being official, you don't have to ask that age-old lame question, "What are we?" or utter the declaration we can no longer use thanks to Avril Lavigne: "I want to be your girlfriend." Instead, both parties can tread the grey blurry lines in melodramatic peace.
You don't have to call them on a regular basis ... but you should call them at least once a week or so to let them know that this "thing" you have is still on ... sorta. Until someone decides it isn't. In which case, you shouldn't feel obligated to let the other one know it's off. You can't break up with someone if you were never going out in the first place. I mean, if it isn't on Facebook, then no one has to create that humiliating broken heart JPEG on the newsfeeds of friends and loved ones, am I right?
Maybe it is the modern trade-up mentality that has led us to these flimsy semi-relationships. As much as I love my iPod, I haven't gotten too attached to it because I know that in a few years, I'll be able to trade it up for a fancier model. While Almost Dating, a boy can simply go to the Apple Store and trade their lame iPod right then and there for one with bigger breasts, err ... more gigs of memory. He doesn't have to mail it in and then sit around and wait iPodless.
I know it is wrong to be obsessed with labels. But labels really are necessary. If my sugar and my flour weren't clearly labeled, how would I know which would make my coffee sweet and which would make my coffee lumpy? It is common courtesy to let your special friend know where he or she stands, even if your voice cracks 26 times in the process. If you refuse to have this conversation, you will attend parties together where your mutual friends see you two any where from holding hands to all over each other. They will ask in their obtrusive drunken bravado, "So, you guys goin' out?" At which point one of you will shrug and the other will vehemently shake their head.
The Almost Dating Elephant is one that will never leave the room. One of you has got to man (or woman) up and ask the other one out for real. Otherwise, you could be wasting your time uploading all of your favorite songs onto an iPod that isn't even yours.
Marissa's column runs biweekly Wednesdays. She can be reached at dorazio@cavalierdaily.com.
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