I consider myself a knowledgeable citizen of America. I know how the U.S. government works. I got a five on the AP U.S. History exam. Here's how the election works -- every four years, there is a bloody coup during the vice president rips out the still-beating heart of the sitting president and eats it on live television. Like that's news to anybody.
Still, you can sum up this election cycle's crop of candidates with one word: lackluster.
Once more the field is swamped with flip-floppers, brown-nosers, goody-two-shoes-wearers and ne'er-do-wells of all kinds. America needs a change.
A change we can believe in. Not just insidious campaign tactics and blowhard empty promises.
That's why last week I proudly announced my candidacy for the most important role in this great nation's government: Controller-General of the United States.*
*[Editor's Note: He means President.]
But you can't just throw your name in the race without holding a huge press conference for all the big media outlets. You know -- CNN, Wall Street Journal, MSNBC and Cat Fancy magazine.You've simply gotta reach out to the public and convince them you're not a creep. Or, in my case, convince them that my incredibly pale skin doesn't necessarily mean I'm a polar bear. Unfortunately, University administrators rejected my attempts to hold one in all of the following places: the Dome Room of the Rotunda, Newcomb Ballroom, the Chem Auditorium, the crawl-space in the basement of Cabell, the bathroom of the Virginian and even my old dorm room (Metcalf 107). Can you believe it? After all I've done for them.
Oh well. The living room in my house did fine. I've included the highlights from the press conference.
Question 1: Mr. Collins, will you be able to lead us out of the Iraq argle-bargle? What's your proposal for troop withdrawal?
Brendan: Well, that's a touchy subject. Obviously we want what's best for our men and women over there. Gen. David Petraeus hasn't returned any of my calls. I suggested sending in Rambo to finish the job and hadn't really thought past that. In the meantime, I plan on giving the Marines more copies of Guitar Hero to keep morale high. My sources in Iraq have it on good faith that Sunni and Shi'a extremists will lay down their arms once Petraeus beats "Free Bird" on Expert. Next?
Question 2: Mr. Collins, how do you propose that the United States move past the current atmosphere of bitter partisanship and swift-boating? Can you give this nation the kind of post-partisanship it needs?
Brendan: What's this about post-party sandwiches? I'm all in favor of 'em. Next question.
Question 3: Mr. Collins, how do you propose to stand up to juggernaut Democratic and Republican candidates? Won't you get crushed?
Brendan: See, I've figured out a completely new way to reach voters: the Internet. It's a series of tubes that allows people to communicate from great distances! The best part is that my competitors have never even heard of the Internet.
[Aide whispers in Brendan's ear.]
Ah. Well. Perhaps I was wrong. I'll get back to you on the Internet thing.
Question 4: Mr. Collins, how did you react to the tragic and untimely death of Heath Ledger?
Brendan: It affected me very deeply. I was quite saddened to learn of the passing of Mr. Ledger. The worst part is that we don't know exactly how he died quite yet. I'm no forensic detective, but I've done some amateur research, and it appears that Mr. Ledger was more than likely murdered. So far the New York police have questioned the Olsen twins and the monster from "Cloverfield," but haven't come up with anything. Next?
Question 5: Brendan, this is your roommate, Steve. Could you please stop asking yourself questions in different voices, then answering them? There's nobody here. You're all alone. This is beyond pathetic. The neighbors have called the police. Also, we need toilet paper.
So that pretty much did it for the press conference. My candidacy, too.
Brendan's column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at collins@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 5 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | January 6, 2025What the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
