Despite my fear of getting towed for a second time, having a car here allows for numerous freedoms and luxuries. My two favorites are the ability to get Slurpees whenever I want and the ease of driving to the gym every day. Becoming a daily gym user has enabled me to make certain observations about how intensive "going" to the gym actually becomes once you get there.
The ordeal begins when you drive toward the parking lot, especially after 5 p.m. Finding and fighting for a parking space in the AFC front lot is a guaranteed sunset showdown of aggression, assertion and reliance on cat-like reflexes. Cold-blooded space-stealing is the only way to get a spot closest to the gym doors. A common tactic I've noticed is creepily stalking gym patrons exiting the AFC or lurking obnoxiously in the narrow area of the front lot so no one else can drive by. Circling around the parking lot requires patience and keen eyesight to catch sight of the elusive space as well as to avoid hitting first-years darting across Alderman Road.
Once you enter the gym, the competition gets fierce. And territorial. Especially in the land of ellipticals on the second floor where you practically warm up for your workout racing to catch a free one. When it gets crowded on the ellipticals, parking rules of engagement apply, except that you have to act fake nice and concede your loss in person rather than glaring through windshield barriers. I believe there is a wait-list in existence to use the ellipticals, but please, the waiting list is for sissies, and no one abides by it. And if all the machines are taken, you have to visibly skulk around people to pressure them to finish faster.
If all the ellipticals are being used, I head toward the track, which poses inherent competitive issues of its own. Do you ever get the feeling that when you run on the track everyone else is trying to race you? It's because they are. Big time. There's nothing more satisfying when you're running 10 laps a minute than making other people look slower than you. Except when you pass everyone at lightning speed and have to stop because you've been sprinting for too long and then you look like a big poser.
But when you think about it, we're all self-consciously posing at the gym. I mean we have to because we're positioned to face each other and watch each other at all times. The girls on the ellipticals can gaze upon the guys lifting weights below, the runners on the track can check out an intramural basketball game going on under their feet. Talk about pressure: If you miss a basket, not only does everyone playing see it, but so does half the gym. Not to mention that the treadmills and ellipticals are set up facing each other. Inadvertent eye contact while sweating and panting is horribly inevitable.
And maybe it's just me, but I've observed a bit of dressing to impress at the AFC, which is so pointless. No one looks sexy at the gym. The lighting is unforgiving even to the hottest of hotties, and everyone is sweaty, wearing old T-shirts -- and those who choose to wear more revealing gym attire often should have covered it up. Spandex is a merciless fabric.
We can all see each other working out, so it's as if it's a competition to look the least awkward. Whoever flails their arms while running and knocks their iPod off the ledge loudly onto their machine automatically loses. No big deal though, I do this at least once a week.
Also, if you're wearing shorts and using the thigh presses upstairs, you are flashing everyone walking toward you from the track. It's just that simple.
Running into those people you do not want to see without at least a little mascara on is inevitable at the AFC, especially when you're in the middle of lifting weights or crunches. I prefer the tried and true method of staring off into space like I'm thinking really hard about stretching and avoiding recognition if at all possible. Who wants to engage in the "stop and chat" when flushed and in obvious need of a shower?
Now I'm not trying to knock the healthful benefits of the gym. It's a great stress reliever if you're completely self confident and don't mind 100 people looking at you at any given time. Don't worry, I won't be staring at you though. I'll be gazing off into space or staring intently at the floor.
Mary's column runs biweekly Fridays.She can be reached at mbaroch@cavalierdaily.com.
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