Born and raised on a quiet platform at Grand Central Station in New York City, Daniel Dooley learned how to turn down a panhandler before he could walk. The first time he was asked for money was extremely awkward, as he thought the beggar was offering to "change" his diaper. When he realized what was really going on, Daniel explained that although he was by no means a cheapskate, he unfortunately had no pockets, which meant he had no money to spare. Finally, he pointed out that he was merely three weeks old.
Another shady character, whom both Daniel and the NYPD would later identify as a prostitute, approached him at a very young age and said, "Hey, baby, looking for a good time?"
In response Daniel coined the phrase, "No, thank you." This saying began to catch on rapidly and eventually spread throughout the entire English-speaking world, providing a much-needed alternative to the old saying, "Yes, please."
The son of a surgeon and a hairdresser, Daniel always enjoyed calling people out for being sexist when they assumed that his father was the surgeon and his mother was the hairdresser, even though that assumption was absolutely correct.
After his kindergarten teacher told him to be a leader and not a follower, Daniel led a mutinous rebellion to oust her and declared a new order based on the doctrine of perpetual recess. As it turned out, the extra playtime made his classmates exceptionally motivated, and Daniel ended up winning Indiana's 1989 Teacher of the Year award.
One day, Daniel heard a John Coltrane song come on the radio for the first time, and he instantly knew that jazz music was for him.
The next day Daniel decided that jazz music wasn't really for him. Instead, he decided to pursue classical training to become the world's first classically-trained break dancer. By the age of 12, Daniel had invented several moves that are now considered essential to the street dance repertoire. Among these were the "traditional head-spin," the "extreme head-spin," the "supererogatory head-spin" and the "February head-spin," which is exactly like a traditional head-spin, except that it's performed during the month of February.
After suffering a debilitating, career-ending injury while stupidly attempting a February head-spin in October, Daniel decided to give compulsive gambling a shot. Impressively, he made $4,000 in a single week, which was, however, not nearly enough to compensate for the $357,000 he lost on his first bet. In an effort to trivialize his serious disorder, Daniel began introducing himself as "Cocaine Charlie." That way, when people found out that his main problem was a gambling addiction, they were actually kind of relieved instead of appalled.
In 1991, Daniel successfully swallowed a dozen whole eggs in order to win back his grandmother's wedding band. A team of Walt Disney executives happened to witness the event and approached Daniel about repeating the stunt as the character Gaston in the upcoming animated film "Beauty and the Beast." Although some other schmo got the credit for providing the voice part, this movie role helped launch Daniel's illustrious career as a cartoon stunt actor.
Continuing his creative streak, Daniel was responsible for several inventions during his teen years, including sticks, having breakfast for dinner and sunglasses. When sales of the sunglasses appeared at first to be lagging, Daniel smartly went ahead and invented the sun. Finally, he was awarded an honorary degree by Princeton University for being the founder of American Condescension. At the ceremony, his speech consisted of him standing up, saying, "You're welcome, America" and then strutting off the stage to his stretch Hummer.
In recognition for his outstanding patriotism, Daniel was named Deputy Secretary of the Interior for the first Nixon administration. During his term, he successfully negotiated a peace treaty between Papua New Guinea and the Fairfield Woods Branch Library in Fairfield, Conn. Both parties agreed to sign immediately but stated, "Just so everyone's clear -- we were never at war, so this treaty is utterly redundant."
To celebrate this momentous occasion, Daniel decided to go hiking. Right before he set out, everyone warned him that the UGG slippers he was wearing were no good for climbing mountains and that he should probably wait for the PCP to wear off, but he ignored them all and proceeded easily up to the top. After relishing the view from the summit for a few seconds, and as he turned to make his descent, he suddenly lost his (until now extremely comfortable) footing and slid uncontrollably toward the edge of a sheer cliff. Grasping onto a root with one hand (the hand that wasn't clutching his baggie of PCP), he barely managed to stop himself from careening off the mountain and was left hanging helplessly over the edge.
To be continued ...
Dan's column runs weekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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