My eyes open suddenly and harshly to reveal a strange and very bright world. Immediately I wonder, "Where am I?"
A quick look around the room reveals I made it safely home. Remarkable. Wiggle the toes. Move the neck. Nothing hurts. Astonishing. A quick pat down on the body reveals that the jeans I was wearing last night are still on, dry, and that my keys and wallet are still in them. This is a pleasant surprise.
But what about my phone? Please let it be on the nightstand. Amazing. It's not only there, but actually plugged in. A proper charge on the cell phone will be crucial for later attempting to piece together the night by looking at old text messages. A quick look to my left and right and I realize there is no one lying next to me whom I don't recognize. This is also good.
What did I do last night? Do not worry about it -- memories will come, go back to sleep. This ruthless cycle continues for several hours until I finally convince myself to wake and face the day. When this happens, you must be prepared! This means having an appropriate hangover regimen. Like any good regimen, it must start with a proper diet. You may feel embarrassed about your current state and you probably should, but as a good friend of mine always says: The daytime exists to prepare you for the nighttime.
The first hurdle to overcome is leaving your house. I cannot stress this enough: You must leave and you must not shower before you leave. If you do, you will want to shower when you return in order to smell less like grease, and showering twice in a row is too much work. Once you leave your dark, beer and pizza box-filled house on 15th Street, you must recruit a crew. A proper hangover meal must include friends. Not only will they fill you in on what you did last night and provide you with comic relief, but you will also feel better about yourself when you hear they also can't remember the second half of their night.
When contemplating lunch options, there are three places I enjoy. Determining which one I choose depends on two factors: 1) What time I got out of bed 2) Whether my parents conveniently happen to be in town. I will consider these factors separately.
If somehow I were able to rise to this ghastly and stunningly bright world sometime before 12:30 p.m., I would go to The Tavern, located at 1140 Emmet St. It is unpretentious, it does not take reservations, there is a moose and a cape buffalo on the wall, you can only pay with cash, and thankfully, it still has a smoking section. The Tavern is the place to go if you are up in time for breakfast and want to be fulfilled on the cheap. Every time I have gone, I have never spent more than $8.
My personal favorite order is the Bacon Belgium Waffle. This is exactly as it sounds: They cut up pieces of bacon and put it into the waffle batter. It is by far the best waffle I have ever had. It is light yet crunchy, and the inside remains fluffy. The bacon adds a texture and savory element that truly takes this waffle into a maverick-breakfast-meets-lunch region. Sometimes when I'm there I think I can actually feel my arteries clogging. Disgusting, yet amazingly good at the same time. I am told the scrapple is delicious. Believe it or not, I have yet to venture into the dark realm of scrapple and I am actually scared of this culinary beast. But no fear except fear itself, my friend -- that's the key to life. Supposedly it is a block of all of the leftover pork scraps that didn't make it into the country ham, bacon or sausage department. Again, disgusting, yet those who eat it tell me once you go scrapple, you never go back.
If this cold cruel world of ours doesn't welcome me into the daytime until well into the afternoon, then my body will demand something more substantial. And for this, I always turn to Riverside Lunch, at 1427 Hazel St. In my opinion, it is the best place for a greasy, hearty, cheap lunch. My go-to at Riverside is the "Bacon Double Cheese." Riverside uses what it describes as "the flat burger," and thus the double is absolutely essential. This burger is greasy and delicious, and because the patties are flat, the edges develop a nice crisp texture. This texture makes the flavors explode with every bite, while simultaneously taking a few years off your life. In addition to the burgers, the Cheeseburger Sub and the Hot Smoke are very good. And they deep-fry their hotdogs. You read that correctly: They deep-fry them. America, the land of the free.
If I am lucky enough to have my parents in town for the weekend and I can goad them into shelling out some cash for a lovely Sunday morning farewell brunch, there is only one place I would consider going: The Boar's Head Inn. This is a superior restaurant. This is an experience worthy of my hangover! In the Mill Room of the Boar's Head Inn you will encounter one of the best brunch buffets in the world -- this is the one breakfast destination for which I shower before arrival. This is a far cry from the dried-out country club scrambled eggs and eggs Benedict covered in the weekend's leftover hollandaise; this is real homemade Southern food. The buffet converts from breakfast to brunch between 10:30 and 11:30 and adds a meat carving station, desserts and several lunch options. The multitude of selections is almost paralyzing to the average human being, but do not be intimidated; your perseverance will reward you. There is an omelet and waffle station, several salad options, bacon, biscuits, homemade sausages, homemade grits and the best homemade sausage gravy you have ever had, made fresh daily by the same wonderful lady who works the omelet station. Now this is real living. This is the taste of freedom.
Whether you wake up early or late, want to eat for $8 or $30, there are options for fulfilling your day-after culinary needs. But remember, don't shower first and do take a few friends. And if you are lucky enough to take a trip to The Boar's Head, make sure you go before 2:00 p.m. and always wear sunglasses when attempting to drive to lunch hung over. An appropriate diet is a crucial element of any lifestyle. Whatever yours may be, be sure to choose a lunch that will satisfy and fulfill, but more importantly, allow you to recover for the coming night.
Happy eating.
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