In light of the impending arrival of Spring Break, I think there are more than a few pertinent topics to cover before you jet off to some tropical island and get in scuffles with the natives while wearing a lei and holding a drink sporting a mini umbrella.
The first important item you should bring on your Spring Break trip is your liver -- don't leave home without it. The liver is your body's best filtration system. Even if you don't make the most responsible decisions about what you consume, your liver has your back. I would recommend carrying it in your person. Transporting livers by cooler or briefcase can be a hassle, and the transplant back into your body may put a damper on your break.
Next, I recommend sunscreen and sunglasses for the protection of those sensitive organs (yes, skin is actually an organ). If you happen to forget your sunscreen, however, it may be necessary to sacrifice your eyes. There is nothing worse than wearing sweet shades but forgetting to protect your face also -- you end up looking like an albino raccoon with white circles around your eyes. This could be beneficial if you lose your sunglasses, though -- you can pretend the white goggles around your eyes are actually sunglasses. But that is not likely to help you pick up a Spring Break hottie, so just bring sunscreen.
Before departing on your Spring Break, make sure you are fully versed in nude beach etiquette. When arriving at a beach that (a) you thought was a normal beach, resulting in an (un)pleasant surprise or (b) you selected for the sole reason that it is nude, approach slowly and confidently. Look around, but with more of an "I am just surveying my surroundings" than a "let's see if I can count the freckles on that person's stomach" look. Find a spot to place your towel and slowly, but decisively, strip down as if you go to nude beaches every day during your lunch break.
Another survival tip for you spring breakers is to make sure you road trip right. If you decided that tropical islands were just too cliché for your Spring Break (or maybe you just committed a crime), and you are driving with a bunch of friends to Canada, a good road trip can be spoiled by poor music and bad food. Make sure you don't stop at that South of the Border joint in South Carolina, and don't set your sights on Wally World without expecting some weird adventures.
Besides road trips with Chevy Chase, vacations have other dangers. Jellyfish, for one, are a prevalent threat to your physical well-being. All I really know about jellyfish safety is that if you have a run in with a Portuguese Man o' War, you are going to be one hurting kid. To avoid jellyfish, don't swim in jellyfish-infested waters. That sounds pretty self-explanatory and easy to remember, right? Well, try to remember it after consuming several of those umbrella-holding drinks and a friend dares you to reenact your nude beach swimming. For some reason, jellyfish seem to be very attracted to inebriated skinny-dipping escapades.
Finally, my last tip for making your Spring Break splendid is to pack some leather pants. You never know what occasion may arise where you want/need leather pants, and it never hurts to be prepared. But in the words of Reading Rainbow's host, you don't have to take my word for it!
Maggie's column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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