After much bated breath the writers' strike finally came to an uneasy close, and the American people got their Oscars. I watched about one-eighth of the Oscars, and boy were they tedious. With musical presentations by the likes of Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana and other boring things I couldn't even sit through, it added up to a several-hour-long yawn fest.
Luckily, as far as I can tell, no one watches the Oscars to see who wins the awards anyway. Rather, the main focus for as long as I can remember is the Red Carpet. Who wore what, who's dating whom, who brought their mom (aww shucks), and most importantly, who Perez is going to call hot and not, thus deserving to be made fun of for years to come. Outfits are obviously important for this. A designer can build his career on dressing a hot celebrity, especially if she's a Best Actress nominee, and there are publicists whose job consists of trying to get celebrities to wear the clothes or jewelry of the companies they represent.
But if you read fashion or gossip magazines in the weeks leading up to the ceremony, it becomes apparent that the main work for the actresses is not finding a dress or doing their job but exercising their butts off. This is especially the case for the presenters, who, even if they've popped out a baby the week before, are skinny, skinny, skinny. Emaciated models may be under fire, but everyone is dying to look like these crazy-thin actresses. Women's magazines have started incorporating exercise and diet tips from so-called "celebrity trainers," with brilliant ideas like cutting all carbs or trying a "Master Cleanse" where you drink a concoction of maple syrup and cayenne pepper for a few days to get all those dreadful "toxins" out. Colonics can also help you get in top shape, although I've heard you've got to book months in advance during awards season in L.A.
This wouldn't bother me if these looks didn't trickle down from the Red Carpet. Girls don't just copy the dresses, they copy their appearances too. The long wavy hair, shiny pink lip gloss and protruding collar bones. I'm sick of all these unhealthily thin actresses being role models! You can find examples of women who succeed in Hollywood who aren't unnaturally underweight, but they are few and far between and held up like shining beacons of normalcy. Beyonce still has her curves they say, although granted, even she has gone on the manic Master Cleanse. The actresses like to say they eat whatever they want, but the only famous person I actually believe is eating fast food is Britney.
What if you're, say, a marginally good actress, and you want to be on the cover of US Weekly?Here are my tips (neither tried nor true) for making it big. You may not get an Academy Award or actually be invited to the Oscars, but partying with Nicole Richie is almost as cool.
1. Immediately lose a quarter of your body weight. This may sound extreme, but it can easily be done by exercising just a few times a day and eating about a third of what you usually do. Ideas in Charlottesville include a big ol' spoonful of cottage cheese for breakfast, a salad with no dressing for lunch and a large container of Arch's Wow Cow for dinner. Mmm, baby, you'll be malnourished in no time.
2. It's makeover time! Dye your hair blonde because blondes are, like, totally hotter, and if you don't already have a luscious wavy mane, get extensions immediately.
3. Go buy yourself a wardrobe of slutty -- but designer! -- clothes to show off that hot new bod.
4. Move to L.A. and join a religious-type group where you're guaranteed to meet celebrities. This can include the Scientology Center, that Kabbalah place Madonna goes to, any expensive yoga studio or Alcoholics Anonymous.
5. Have sex with a B- or C-list celebrity, secretly videotape it and forward it on through an e-mail alias to everyone you know. Put your hair in innocent pigtails and practice saying this in the mirror: "How did that happen?"
6.You're going to get a movie deal from the sex tape if you found a good-enough celebrity. Yay! But most likely the movie will tank and you'll get bad reviews, because if you were an excellent actress you wouldn't need this advice. Blame it on your good looks: "People don't take me seriously because I'm, like, so attractive." Then gain weight and stop wearing makeup for a role and maybe you'll win an Oscar. (Oh, the irony.)
7. Date someone rich even if they're old and ugly so they can finance your next endeavor, whether it be a CD, made up tell-all or line of bubble bath/baby clothes/recyclable metallic yoga mats.
8. Get a driver and bodyguard and go to every trendy restaurant in town wearing your sunglasses and forget to wear underwear. Woohoo, paparazzi! You are so worth following around.
The End
or
Option 2: Be very, very rich and become friends with Paris Hilton.
Alex's column runs biweekly Thursdays. She can be reached at jospin@cavalierdaily.com.
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