Etymology of the day: The word "gladiator" derives from the Latin word gladiator, meaning "gladiator." Pretty cool, huh? Bet you'll never look scornfully at a linguist again.
NBC's current revival of the show "American Gladiators" is awesome. If you asked me to sum up the show in three words, I would probably say, "OK, well, basically ..." This response would have a lot to do with my tendency to speak without first planning out what I'm going to say. The same habit also explains why my warm-up speech before Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address didn't go over so well. If I had written something down ahead of time, I might have avoided such a disastrous verbal blunder:
"About, like, 20 hundred years ago -- or something -- there was a song and it was all, 'War: What is it good for?' So maybe we should stop fighting, you know? Then again, the South still hates us. But then again, who needs the South anyway? Wait, don't quote me on that ... OK, you know what? I'm just gonna let old Abe here sort of wrap things up. I'm dunskies. Peace."
Luckily, "American Gladiators" is so awesome you don't need to do any thinking at all. On top of its high entertainment value, the show improves the quality of life for all Americans. For example, it has almost single-handedly reinvigorated the padded pugil stick industry. In addition, it is at the cutting edge of the feminist movement: On each episode the female gladiators boldly demonstrate that women are just as capable of becoming steroidal freaks as men. It can bring a tear to your eye -- especially if the steroids you're on induce crying as a side effect.
Like all good Americans, I spend at least seven hours a day fantasizing about being a gladiator. My parents considered this behavior especially weird during the show's 12-year hiatus, but now that new episodes are being produced again, they have readmitted me to the family as "son pro tempore."
The first step to becoming a gladiator is creating an intimidating stage name, such as "The Intimidator" or "The Intimidator's Older, More Intimidating Brother." Some of the current Gladiators have beastly names like Hammer, Titan and Crush. But there is also one dude with the name Justice, which doesn't seem to fit exactly with the rest. Maybe it would make more sense if we lived in a society where our justice system was driven by personal vendettas rather than by the Constitution and our towering common law tradition. I'm sorry, but your combat name can't be a virtue. Imagine if I went on the show and competed as "Student Self-Governance." I would be totally dunskies.
I've narrowed my name choice down to two possibilities, "Foreclosure" and "Noah Wyle." Think about it: What could inspire dread in a working-class contender better than a stark reminder about the imminent foreclosure on his home amid this vast economic downturn? As for the second name, it's all about distraction. With the contender trying desperately to recall where he knows the name Noah Wyle from, I'll easily knock him into oblivion with my mighty pugil stick. Only as the contender is being carted off to the emergency room will he realize the harsh irony that Noah Wyle was an actor on the NBC drama "ER."
So, you think wits are superior to brawn? OK, I'd like to see Ken Jennings, the trivia maven who dominated contestants on "Jeopardy!" for 74 straight shows, try to make it through the gauntlet without falling victim to the barrage of blockers mounted by Mayhem and the other sadistic gladiators. Kenny better remember to phrase his plea for mercy in the form of a question.
Am I strong enough to be a gladiator? This past weekend a girl in my dorm was having trouble opening a jar of pickles. That poor jar didn't stand a chance once I arrived on the scene. A few blows with my trusty hammer, and the jar was well on its way to being shattered. Mission: dunskies. Despite the shards of glass and the pickle juice quickly seeping into her rug, the girl seemed so impressed by my methods that she asked me to help her "open" her microwave. Well ... That turned out to be a trick. But I still feel that the 40,000 volts I sustained only made me stronger.
I believe that henceforth all disputes and rivalries should be settled on "American Gladiators." I'd like to see the Democratic primaries decided the old-fashioned way: on a climbing wall. Hillary and Barack will of course get to flaunt their often-overlooked physical abilities, but the real test will be to see how each candidate reacts to being called "brother" repeatedly by host Hulk Hogan.
As an American, I've never felt prouder or safer. Sure, North Korea may have nukes, but "American Gladiators" has given us something you can't buy on the streets: hope. Also, it's given us pugil sticks (and if those don't do the trick, we always have our nukes -- lots and lots of nukes).
Dan's column runs Tuesdays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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