Warning: Objects in photos are not as large as they appear. This disclaimer should be tagged on every tour guide pamphlet and history book so poor innocent American students studying abroad don't finally arrive at Stonehenge only to react, "Huh, well ... I guess it was important to see it."
I'm not kidding. And even when the landmarks aren't smaller than you pictured, they are not quite how you imagined them.
Take Big Ben. First of all, the name refers to the bell inside the clock tower and not the tower itself. Personally, I feel lied to. And maybe it's my American need to super-size everything, but he's not that big. Perhaps just "Ben" would be appropriate.
As I mentioned, Stonehenge was another huge letdown. I was dead asleep on the bus when the tour guide woke us screaming, "There it is!" After scrambling towards the window, pulling out my telescope and zooming my camera into the lens, I could see it. Maybe it looks big in photos because there is nothing around it. Really, nothing. Oh wait -- I forgot there were two sheep like three miles away. And for some reason, I thought you could walk through the rock arrangement. Imagine my disappointment when I saw it all roped off. It must have been some fifth-grade social studies teacher who totally ruined the experience for me.
So hoping to escape the proportion disappointments of London, I traveled to Paris last weekend.
One of my first stops was the Louvre. For some reason, probably due to that idiot fifth-grade teacher on a power trip, I thought the Mona Lisa was a grand regal painting of epic proportions full of light and stunning beauty. So I rush to her position in the Italian paintings section -- shouldn't Mona have her own section? -- and turn the corner, push past the swarms of tourists, only to find the dark, teeny little Mona Lisa. She definitely looked sad to me. Maybe if she had been bigger, we would have been able to tell whether she was smiling or not.
I moved on to the Arc De Triomphe, which can in no way disappoint size-wise. She is one big arch. But I know for sure I was told there was a road going under the arch. There isn't, and I'm hunting you down, Mrs. Robertson.
So when I finally reached the Eiffel Tower I was ready for anything. Well, my expectations were flat-out wrong. It is an amazingly beautiful beacon in the Parisian skyline. I can't complain about this. But I was surprised to find that the road leading to the tower was not lined with cute cafés where I could read in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower in a very "Boy Meets World"-esque moment. As it turns out, I wouldn't have wanted anyone sitting in a café to have witnessed any of our thousands of attempts to get a good jumping picture, anyway. (P.S. I did it! See my Facebook picture.)
Maybe I should accept that these national icons will not appear in person as they do in my head. Incidentally, a lot of things in real life don't appear as they do in my head. (Note: Call Mom about breakthrough.)
And Mrs. Robertson, this isn't over. We're going to talk after I get back from Italy. There must be others who are learning of your deceit.
Bailey's column runs biweekly Wednesdays. She can be reached at stephens@cavalierdaily.com.
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