College is a place where young people with many different backgrounds, beliefs and opinions can study and live amongst each other. This kind of environment can enhance our learning and broaden our experiences. With so many potentially conflicting ideas floating around, however, it can also lead to quite a bit of friction. A quick glance at the Opinion section will give you an idea of how often students butt heads with each other over various issues. Therefore, I will be doing the University a great favor in this column by giving everyone some pointers on how to foster spirited, yet fair arguments while persuading others to their view.
Unfortunately, the arguing tactics that ruled the playgrounds in grade school no longer apply in institutions of higher learning such as our own. Once powerful techniques such as the "does not, does too, does not infinity times plus one" will not garner much respect from your peers.
So, to bring you up to speed on how to be a good arguer in the adult world, I present you with a list of effective strategies and examples of how they can be applied to current hot topics at U.Va. Disclaimer: All views expressed within this column are arbitrary, and not necessarily those of this author or of anyone else for that matter. Much thanks in advance to Wikipedia for the official names of these arguments.
1) Straw Man
Are you having a hard time finding weaknesses in someone else's position? Find a more unpopular position by exaggerating or twisting theirs and attack that one instead.
"I believe students should be given a second chance if they're caught cheating."
"Oh, so you're saying students should be able to lie and cheat without penalty? That sounds like a good way to uphold honor."
2) Ad hominem
Sometimes, even a straw man won't give you a suitable target to attack. When that happens, just use ad hominem and counter arguments by attacking the person rather than what he has to say.
"How can you expect to convince us that students should drink less caffeine, when you're known to wear socks with sandals to class?"
3) Thought-terminating cliché
Perhaps the easiest strategy of all to employ is the thought-terminating cliché. All you have to do is respond to someone's point with a cliché phrase or saying that people will recognize, and victory is yours. For example, if someone says internationalizing our curriculum will improve academic quality, just say "There's no silver bullet" or "Be careful what you wish for" or even the always appropriate "That's just your opinion." Argument over, you win.
4) False dichotomy
With a false dichotomy, it's your way or the highway. Pressure others into agreeing with your point of view by giving the impression that the only alternative is a stance almost nobody supports.
"Either you support banning 'not gay' from the 'Good Ol' Song' like I do, or you're an intolerant, hateful homophobe."
5) No true Scotsman
Define the characteristics of a group of people, and you can then accuse your opponents of not truly belonging to that group if they differ from your definition.
"Virginia students are too classy to show up to football games in jeans and orange T-shirts."
"Actually, lots of students have been doing just that lately."
"Well, no true U.Va. student would do that."
6) Nirvana fallacy
With this little trick, you can ruin someone's argument by comparing it to a perfect or ideal solution rather than to any of the actually practical alternatives out there.
"Sure, the living wage would give our workers a little bit more income, but it certainly won't eliminate all their financial worries. Why bother doing something that won't truly fix the problem?"
There you go, now you have some firepower next time you get into a heated debate with somebody. Feel free to practice these techniques not only during important discussions, but also when engaging in petty bickering with your bonehead friends. That will show them who's boss.
Lastly, I'd like to say that I know a lot of you out there will still insist on using logic, reasoning and superior control of the English language to win arguments. To those of you who think my advice sucked, my counterpoint can be summed up in just four words -- that's just your opinion.
Dan's column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at mcnally@cavalierdaily.com.
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