When last we left him, Daniel Dooley was in a very precarious position, struggling to hang onto the edge of a cliff with one hand while maintaining a tight grip on his baggie of PCP with the other. Luckily, as Daniel soon realized, the situation was much less dangerous than he originally thought, since most of the objects around him were mere hallucinations. For example, instead of a cliff, he was actually hanging onto the burly shoulder of character actor John Ratzenberger, who played postal worker Cliff Clavin on the television show "Cheers." The hawk pecking at Daniel's eyes was just a hawk pecking at John Ratzenberger's eyes -- so again, a huge relief. In fact, pretty much everything in sight was an illusion. Except for the PCP -- that was incredibly real.
At the tender age of 9, Daniel attempted to run away from home. Unfortunately, he forgot to pack his favorite Pog (featuring Cliff Clavin) and was forced to go back. Although his parents mocked him and said his "heart was never really in it," Daniel proved all of them (he has several sets of parents) wrong by moving out for good just 22 years later.
After settling into his luxurious apartment in swanky SoHo (more specifically, in Dillon, S.C., which is just 608 miles south of Houston Street in Manhattan), Daniel decided to throw himself a house-warming party. The party itself was pretty tame -- just a few bros sitting around trading Pogs and talking about various chicks they wouldn't mind trading Pogs with, if you know what I mean (except not in a sexual way, because they were legitimately trying to make their Pog-trading club co-ed in order to get more funding). It was at this shindig, however, that Daniel accidentally founded the environmental sustainability movement. It all started when one of the guests used the bathroom right after Daniel and then came out and announced in front of everybody that Daniel hadn't flushed.
"He's flushed now," another guest said, noting Daniel's embarrassment.
Thinking quickly, Daniel retorted, "Shut up, stupidhead!" When that didn't quiet the crowd, he reached way back into his subconscious and came up with the biggest load of crap he could muster (even bigger than the one that had gotten him in trouble in the first place). "It's called environmental ... sustainability," he sputtered. "I'm trying to save the damn planet -- something you frequent-flushing jackasses apparently have no interest in doing."
Daniel went on to explain how he also limited his showers to one per month and stored his Pog collection in wrappers made of 99 percent recycled plastic (and 1 percent recycled loneliness) -- all in the name of conserving Earth's precious resources. Just like that, the guys went from despising him to nominating him for King of the Universe. Eventually, it was discovered that this position doesn't exist (and if it did, it would be awarded to Oprah by default), so they settled for making Daniel a co-chair of their Pog club's Environmental Advocacy Subcommittee.
Soon Daniel embarked on a career as a young, hotshot attorney, first representing boron in a copyright infringement suit against the 1997 movie "The Fifth Element." The case made it all the way to the Supreme Court when Daniel broke into then-Chief Justice William Rehnquist's chambers and dropped off the relevant documents. Unfortunately, some revealing pictures of Daniel at a beach resort with Rehnquist's wife had somehow slipped into the file, and the case was immediately thrown out. After that, Daniel was stripped of his "hotshot" status and no longer cared to be involved in the legal profession.
Daniel grew a full beard at the age of 12. People weren't that impressed because the beard was on his dad's face.
Daniel then went on to earn a Ph.D. in cosmetology. That was the worst thing because throughout the seven-year process he thought he was studying cosmology. But nevertheless, Daniel is still credited by the science community for having developed the theory of the hair dryer-shaped universe.
Bruce Lee trained for a while under Daniel. Daniel didn't even know about this until after Bruce had moved out of the apartment complex.
In 1967 Daniel met an air hostess named Rita and decided to court her. Rita started playing hard to get right away, asking Daniel repeatedly to return to economy-class seating. Daniel decided to play along and kept resisting her demands. When he found himself in a straitjacket, he decided Rita was way too kinky for him.
On Daniel's tombstone it says, "Life is like a box of rotting fish -- it stinks." No, Daniel's not dead, but he decided to get his tombstone engraved early so he has some time to try it out and can change it later if need be. Daniel is also planning to finish writing this autobiography posthumously so future generations will know the full story.
Dan's column runs weekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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