Dear Pope Benedict XVI, How's it going?
I'm guessing you're in a pretty good mood after your big day last weekend (with your boy Christ rising from the dead and everything) so I wanted to take the opportunity to ask you a favor.
(On a side note, I'd also like a pair of those sweet red loafers, so if you could stick some size 12s in the mail that would be awesome).
But back to my main point. You see, I watched enough ESPN last week to turn my brain into a puddle of applesauce. I couldn't turn away from Villanova vs. Siena. West Virginia vs. Duke made me skip a meal. Georgetown vs. Davidson gave me a mild stroke.
Through it all, however, I enjoyed the insightful analysis and straight-shooting wit of Bobby Knight, the most successful coach in NCAA Division I history. He's a guy who has won three national titles and has been named National Coach of the Year four times. Heck, Knight even spawns good coaches -- 40 of his former players and assistants have gone on to head coaching jobs. Three of his student managers also got coaching gigs? and they were just water bottle jockeys under "The General."
This worries me. History has shown us that Bobby Knight is not a nice guy. In the past he's been abusive, rude, violent and downright insane on and off the court. It's safe to say the man's got a few dozen screws loose.
These days, however, a whole new generation of March Madness viewers is seeing the white-haired Knight as a nice old grandfatherly figure who just says crazy stuff because he can get away with it. No one seems to remember the side of Knight that almost got him thrown in Puerto Rican jail for punching a police officer back in the '70s.
I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I think it's long past time to anti-canonize Robert Montgomery Knight. If you put together an award for people who represent everything saints aren't, it would keep his (quite amazing) rap sheet in the public conscience.
Allow me to list Knight's qualifications for anti-canonization.
First, there was that aforementioned incident in Puerto Rico that happened while Knight was coaching Team USA in the Pan American Games in 1979. The Puerto Ricans wanted Knight extradited to serve his jail time, but the governor of Indiana refused to cooperate.
Then, six years later, Knight was suspended for one game after tossing a chair across the court at a referee following (what he believed was) a bad call. Knight obviously didn't feel like sitting in his chair anymore and thought the chair would be better placed on the other side of the arena.
Then in 1993, Knight allegedly kicked his own son Pat during a game -- although the elder Knight later claimed he actually kicked a chair.
Knight may have a point on this one. He obviously had a history of violence against furniture (see earlier point) so it's not a stretch to see him taking up his vendetta against a chair that looked at him funny. His son probably just got in the way.
You might also cite the newspaper reports in 2004 that described a very vocal fight Knight had with then-Texas Tech Chancellor David Smith at the salad bar of a Lubbock supermarket. As students watched, Smith (the President Casteen equivalent) demanded that Knight show him more respect after being screamed at by the lettuce-munching coach.
Then in 2006, after watching his Red Raiders lose by 11 points to Baylor, Knight was heckled by a Baylor student as he walked off the court. The student yelled "Bobby, you lost it!" after which Knight actually did. He had to be restrained by a police officer, and the student had to be given a fresh pair of boxers.
Then, last October, in what could be the capstone of his anti-saint career, Knight was accused of firing a shotgun in the direction of Lubbock resident James Simpson after Simpson asked Knight not to hunt so close to his property. Knight denied the allegations (again) but an eight-minute argument between the two men was recorded for posterity on a camera phone.
So please, Your Holiness. We can't let another generation forget that the nice old man on ESPN has shot at people, punched police officers, tossed chairs, raged at his boss, kicked his own son and come this close to throttling a student. It's just not right. I'm asking you, in honor of the recent holy week, to give Knight -- a man who is far from holy -- the honor he deserves.
Make him a s'ain't.
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