Last week I had the privilege of interviewing first-year Shane Valero about his experience thus far at the University. Not surprisingly, given Shane's vast wisdom, I learned more from that brief exchange than I've learned in eight semesters of classes here. Then again, I've taken the same four classes every single semester, with all four being different sections of DRAM 898: Non-Topical Research. Notwithstanding the fact that my choice of classes violates every known restriction and requirement imposed by the University and is arguably also a moral outrage, somehow they're letting me graduate anyway with a degree in "He means well." It's interdisciplinary, chumps.
Ever since I met him last week, Shane's been like the son I never had, not to mention much cooler than the son I actually do have. But on our most recent camping trip, Shane found out that in a month I'll be leaving these hallowed Grounds for good, and he became distraught. I could tell he was really distraught because when I mentioned New Jersey, he yelled, "Jersey, baby!" but neglected to throw in a fist pump. When I offered Shane my real son as a parting gift, he declined. Instead, he asked for one last favor: the chance to interview me. I was truly humbled and of course agreed. So with the tables turned, Shane asked me everything I think he thought I'd want you to know about me.
[5:52 p.m., phone rings]
D[aniel]: Hello?
S[hane]: Hey, sorry I'm late. I got lost again.
D: But this is a phone interview. You could've called from anywhere.
S: That's what made it so difficult ... Hey Dan!
D: Hey what?
S: What do you call wearing too much perfume in a basketball game?
D: OK, Shane, the point of this isn't really to --
S: Come on, just guess.
D: I dunno, a fragrant foul?
S: Whaa ... ? How'd you know?
D: Number one, it's an obvious joke. Number two, I'm writing all of this, including your lines. For example, you're about to say, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
S: Oh yeah? Prove it ... Oh my God. That's amazing. You're amazing.
D: Thanks, you didn't have to say that.
S: I didn't?
[45 minutes later, after further existential debate and a 43-minute nap for Shane]
S: It's so weird that you're graduating. I feel like we just met.
D: We did just meet. It was only a week ago. In fact, when I saw you earlier today, you were still wearing the same shirt as when we first met.
S: You can't prove that. Maybe I changed my shirt and then changed it back. Or maybe I own multiple shirts that look identical.
D: Are you telling me that you custom ordered multiple shirts that say, "My name is Shain and today's date is April 12, 2008?"
S: What can I say? They were buy 25, get one free.
D: And what about the misspelled name? Was that also free? Just kidding. It sucks that the company messed up like that.
S: Yeah, the ... company ... totally ... messed up ... Anyway, here's your first question.
D: Finally.
S: True or false: What do you love most about U.Va.?
D: How is that a true or false --
S: Just answer the question, smart guy. True or false?
D: Well, I would've said, "The Lawn," but since you've tied my hands, I'll say, "True."
S: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. The answer was Katie Couric. Next question: If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, including Katie Couric, who would you choose? Remember, you are allowed to choose Katie Couric.
D: Alright then, Katie Couric.
S: Dude, are you crazy? I said you could choose anyone in the world, and you choose Katie Couric? I mean, she's cool and everything, but come on, seriously. Next question: Katie Couric walks into a bar. The bartender, who also happens to be Katie Couric, says, "Good morning, Kat --"
D: What are you doing? Did you prepare for this interview at all?
S: Define "prepare."
D: As in, did you try to think of anything to talk about beforehand, or are you just making these questions up as we go along?
S: Define "up as we."
D: Hold on, is that the clinking of beer glasses I hear in the background? Are you at a bar? You're watching "CBS Evening News" at a bar, aren't you?
S: It's more of a gastro-pub than a genuine bar.
D: Real professional, Shane. Look, this is a serious, emotional time in my life --
S: Well, same here. I went to the doctor yesterday, and he told me I only have 60 years to live.
D: Only?
S: I was hoping for at least 65, maybe 70.
D: I'm sorry to hear that, but this is basically my last chance to reflect on college before I graduate, and you haven't asked me anything substantive.
S: Wow, you seem pretty sentimental. Just out of curiosity, how many times have you listened to Vitamin C's 2000 single "Graduation (Friends Forever)" in the past month?
D: Don't be ridiculous, Shane. That song is so middle school I can't even ... 153 times, according to iTunes ... It's in my playlist called "Vitamin C's Greatest Hit," which I've looped together with "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day. There. Happy?
S: Listen, "Big Brother" is about to come on, and I'm not going to be coherent much longer, so you should probably go ahead and give your closing remarks.
D: I'd like to say that U.Va. will always hold a special place in my heart, right next to the place occupied by heraldry and southwest of the area dedicated to Australian accents. That's prime cardiovascular real estate right there. And Shane, I want you to know that you'll always be dearest to me.
Boagrius [my real son]: Ahem. I'm standing right here, Dad.
D: Whoops. You too, Boagrius.
Boagrius: Well, we can't both be dearest. So who is it, me or Shane?
D: Take it easy, Boagrius. OK, HAGS, everybody!
Dan can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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