Recently the world saw the most impressive feat in female shark history since Susan the sand shark brought suffrage to all female sharks. "We deserve rights," Susan said in shark tongue, "for we are not fish." When told sharks were technically fish, she remarked, "Really? Well, I guess I do have a brain the size of dirt." Then, in an act of true defiance, she ate a Michelin tire.
What happened was a female shark in a Nebraska zoo gave virgin birth to a baby shark. Yes, I know what you're thinking. And it is strange that Nebraska has zoos. Who would have thought that a state without electricity or indoor plumbing could afford giraffes? Of course, I'm assuming there are other animals at the zoo. For all I know, the zoo is composed entirely of sharks that swim aimlessly for hours, fulfilling their time by eating minnows, playing cards and arbitrarily becoming asexual.
This is the true story: A captive female hammerhead gave birth to a baby, even though she had not been exposed to a male for more than three years. This surprised many scientists, because for a long time it was presumed she was just fat. After the birth, people concluded she must have been holding the sperm in her for years, since supposedly sharks can really do this.
Then, in search for the truth, a group of scientists decided to do some research. They analyzed the young shark's DNA only to discover its blood had no male DNA in it. This meant the female hammerhead had reproduced asexually, thereby fulfilling the dream of thousands of fish wishing to bypass shark males, who are universally considered the worst species in the universe at dating:
Male hammerhead shark: Candice, I think we should get married.
Female hammerhead shark: For the last time, Arthur, my name is Gladys!
Scientists are responding to this study in the usual professional manner, by jumping on their stools, waiving their clipboards and shouting, "What about the null hypothesis! What about the null hypothesis!" even though very few of them know who or what a null hypothesis is. I do not care about these people, but what does bother me is that this event leaves mammals as the only major vertebrate group that has not asexually reproduced.
I have to say, readers, this shocks and appalls me. We need to step up to the challenge and find a way to reproduce asexually, too. Now, I don't know how to do this, but if an animal that can't even develop sophisticated technology like Frogger can do it, we can find a way.
So we need to identify how to become asexual. If we've learned anything from this shark experience, which involved a female shark who lived in a tank without male contact for three whole years, it's that the first logical step is to grow shark fins. Unfortunately, most humans are against growing unneeded fish accessories, especially if such additions can bar us from public pools. We should instead search for people who live in same-sex, isolated and tank-like buildings, preferably near coral fish. The most obvious answer is monks. These men live day in and day out without female contact, except for the occasional nun visit, which must be tough for them, because those nuns' clothing doesn't leave much to the imagination.
I propose we study these monks for years and look for signs of pregnancy, such as an addiction to "Look Who's Talking Now" and the unexplainable urge for candy corn. Also, their bellies will probably enlarge, although I will not rule out the possibility that they'll just split in two and reproduce that way. This might explain why monasteries are always full, considering nobody really joins them anymore, often citing the agnostic and selfish reason of "I'm a girl."
Once this baby is born and tested positive for all-male DNA, we mammals can begin to feel less ostracized by the other animals. Maybe the termites will see that we too are an acceptable vertebrate group and at the very least not eat our TVs. And perhaps sharks will no longer pose as people and beat us at pool. Our achievement might even be the start of a peaceful process that will unite all of Earth's creatures -- except for Nebraskans, of course, who would not get the message since no other place has used telegrams since World War I.
Chris' column runs weekly Mondays. He can be reached at shuptrine@cavalierdaily.com.
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