I have yet to create a masterpiece, and my 19th birthday just passed in January, but I am not worried because I know that after graduating from U.Va. in three years I will be ... well, I honestly don't know what I will be. I want to be happy, but I don't know where happiness will come from or how I will obtain it. I want to be successful, but I'm not sure if that will come from having an amazing job, having strong friendships or having a fulfilling family life.
I went for an extended run this past Wednesday. I ran past O-Hill, up the mountain and around the trails. I got caked in mud and was drenched in sweat when I finished, but I was in complete bliss (and the tiniest amount of pain) the entire time. I took a short hiatus during the run to do what I like to refer to as music therapy. Music therapy is when I go to a desolate area of the woods and crank my music up to something I can sing to -- today it started with a little bit of Mariah Carey, then progressed to Josh Groban and ended with Stacie Orrico. I sing as loud as I can (like that quote that everyone knows), and sometimes I dance as well. It normally works, and I usually don't have to deal with seeing anyone else. This exercise is so therapeutic that I have used it when I feel stressed or angry or anything, really. I just schedule an extended run into my day, and it makes me feel better, without fail. You may think it is just the endorphins kicking it, but I know that while they play a part, the fact that I am alone and able to sing is also important. I find it is very hard to ever be alone on Grounds, so the woods act as a sort of isolated sanctuary for me. Being outside makes me happy.
I often question my happiness, wondering if it is only a temporary feeling and if there is such a thing as never-ending happiness. If there is, is that what heaven is supposed to be? Running makes me happy, as does being outside. Writing also makes me happy, as well as eating, and the list goes on and on -- so if there are an infinite number of things for me to be happy about, why do I continue to doubt myself?
There is always this dichotomy rushing through my veins here at school -- should I stay or should I go? I love being here, but sometimes I feel trapped and in need of a quick escape. Summer is just around the corner and will serve as a much-needed break, but I am going to miss my new friends and the autonomy that comes with being away from home. It is hard to believe that my first year is coming to an end; it feels like I just got here. I remember sitting in the Amphitheater on a Sunday evening during my first semester, and for four solid minutes I could not see another human being or hear any sounds that would indicate a human presence. It was wonderful. Most Fridays and Saturdays mesh together in my memory, and right now I am struggling to name the classes I took last semester. My favorite part of the week used to be Friday afternoon; now it's Monday night because being a better person and a better Christian have always been goals of mine, and I am finally gaining some perspective on how to achieve these things. I feel like I have changed between first semester and now -- I know less than a year has passed, but I feel more mature and secure.
As the school year ends, I feel internally conflicted but must decide which emotion I will take up and let the world see. Should I be ecstatic that school is almost over and that work will be absent from my life for three months? Or should I be worried that I have yet to become somebody?
Contemplating my decision and checking things off of my list, I look forward to spending an extra week with my friends at the beach and I am reminded that leaving is probably best because if I continue to only get four hours of sleep a night, I could end up seriously hurting myself. I don't want to be afraid of what's ahead, although I cannot help but realize how far I have to go. I am thankful that my parents prepared me for college and thankful that the University is preparing me for what better be a bright future. I know I'm nervous, I think I'm willing and I may be ready.
Ian's column ran biweekly Fridays. He can be reached at ismith@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 6 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | January 6, 2025What the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
