Some of my fellow students have showed a bit of concern that I and others like me are a little over a month shy of graduation -- and unemployed. Oh yes, with no job, housing or real life plans, many fourth-years are in an odd state of limbo as they approach summer vacation. Luckily, you can make yourself feel better with the fact that you're not alone. Sure it's rough if all your friends are Econ majors, in the Commerce School or destined for a life of graduate studies. But, I think, for every plastic surgeon the world also needs a religious studies major. Am I right?
I know even you kids who do have jobs are worried about the 'unemployeds' as they will heretofore be known. While these concerns are valid, fear not for our futures. We've gained many valuable life skills in our time at the University, and I only occasionally have nightmares about wearing a ratty fur coat and fake pearls with nothing underneath as I walk down the Corner 10 years from now, shaking an empty Solo cup at innocent drunk students while pushing a grocery cart that contains all of my worldly possessions (diploma, blueberry Gushers).
However, I think I at least have many options for next year. For example, is it presumptuous of me to think that I could sell my body to a governor and parlay that into a million-dollar video deal? If there is one thing I could definitely do, it is capitalize on a sex scandal. I've certainly seen enough of them in my time to know that you can easily use it to maneuver yourself into a straight-to-DVD movie deal, Lifetime miniseries and possible Ben & Jerry's flavor. The trick, or course, is to not be on "Girls Gone Wild" before your rise to fame, because that could damage the amount of leverage you have. My parents will be happy to know that I have been very clever and have not appeared naked on video yet (to my knowledge). I will then publish a tell-all with a splashy title like "A Spanish Major's Descent into Unemployment, Destitution and eventually Prostitution."
My second option -- on the off-chance that politicians have finally gotten smart (very, very doubtful) -- is to create a blog of "What Jewish People Like." This will include dreidels, lactose intolerance, eating chocolate during Lent and psychotherapy. If I don't get a book deal from my sex scandal I will almost certainly get one from my blog. The book will undoubtedly be on the New York Times bestseller list because it will be shaped like, you guessed it, a bagel.
Another choice is to use my admirable styling skills to rehabilitate a star with a serious image problem, like Britney, Hillary or Paula Abdul. I think it will be quite simple and I know it has great potential. I could buy underwear and shampoo for Britney or a skirt and a bottle of tears for Hillary and sue the doctor who gave Paula the lobotomy. I'm certain that if I changed their lives around I could get a cut of their future earnings -- or at least sell some sort of hair extension product with their names on it.
If I get really desperate I'm going to move into my parents' (unfinished) basement and set up a lucrative business making illegal drugs out of Cool Whip or antihistamines or whatever people use these days. If you're a fellow unemployed and want in on my business, contact me for investment options.
For the rest of you unemployeds: Don't stress. The chances of never being employed are pretty much slim to none, especially considering my great ideas. Employeds: I know you're secretly jealous of your friends with no revenue or potential future earnings, but try not to show it. If you get bored of working, come by the Corner -- I'll be selling cupcakes, illegal drugs and perhaps my memoirs.
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