Shane Valero is basically the coolest first-year you'll ever meet. A man of few words -- or at least, few correctly spelled words -- Shane came to the University with many laurels already attached to his name. In his high school yearbook Shane is listed as "Most Likely to Continue Being Shane Valero." That's pretty much the highest compliment a man can receive, in Shane's opinion. In addition, when his buddy created the "Legitmus test," which can supposedly calculate a person's level of "legit-ness" to within .045 +/- 63.819 "kilegiters," Shane scored so high that he effectively redefined the legit-ness scale (which had been defined for the first time earlier that afternoon).
While there has been much buzz concerning Shane's arrival on Grounds and his exploits so far this year, I wanted to meet the real Shane and find out what makes him tick. At the same time, I was hoping to get inside the mind of an outstanding first-year to understand what makes other first-years so utterly inferior. And so when I had the pleasure of sitting down with Shane on the Corner recently, I tried to find out as much as I could about this wondrous human specimen.
[2:27 p.m., Michael's Bistro]
S: Sorry I'm late, dude. I got lost. Do you realize how many corners there are around here?
D: Oh, sorry. Maybe I wasn't clear in the directions I sent. [Author's note: The directions were extremely clear.] Anyway, let's get right into it. First I'd just like you to introduce yourself, give your background, say where you're fr--
S: Yo, yo Jersey Shooooooore! [Points emphatically in a seemingly arbitrary direction]
D: So I take it you're from New Jersey?
S: [Reveals a tattoo on his right arm that reads, "I am from New Jersy [sic]."] Does this answer your question?
D: Yes, but incidentally it looks like there's a letter missing --
S: [Defensively] You look like you're a letter missing ... If you must know I was $5 short at the time I got this.
D: Let's move on. Do you consider yourself to be a sweet bro, or are you more of a gangster thug?
S: Wow, that's really tough. You reporters don't mess around, do you? [Appears pensive] Honestly, I don't like to limit myself to labels. Some days I feel like a bro, but other days I am much more of a gangster, and I've even been called a gentleman and a scholar.
D: Let's talk about your scholarly side. In your Facebook profile you list your favorite books as "'The Da Vinci Code' and basically anything by da Vinci." Is reading one of your passions?
S: Absolutely. I've always felt that reading is the key to understanding the words printed in books, and books form an important part of our literary heritage.
D: On a separate note, your reputation is quite impressive. What do you think people most know you for?
S: I dunno. Being popular, I guess.
D: Yes, but what is it that made you popular in the first place?
S: I'm not really sure. Maybe it had to do with my reputation.
D: Reputation for what?
S: Being popular. Also, it could be the fact that people tend to like me that makes people like me.
D: That's completely illogic --
S: It's hard to say because I've been popular for so long. Maybe it's hereditary. My parents say I was able to strut before I could walk.
D: Please describe your relationship with your parents.
S: Umm, duh. I'm their son. [Laughs]
D: Could you perhaps elaborate on that?
S: [Sighs impatiently] OK, I have two parents, one mom and one dad. They both had me together, and now I'm here. Get it?
D: What were you like as a child?
S: I was similar to how I am now, but physically weaker. But I was still really strong for my age. But not as strong as now. But still very strong. But --
D: What about hobbies? Did you have any hobbies?
S: One word: Springsteen.
D: Are you seeing anyone right now?
S: What do you mean? Like, I can see you. And I can see a lot of people sitting behind you. Look, there's some more people over th --
D: No, what I meant was, are you currently dating anyone?
S: Oooh, OK. Well, this one girl keeps giving me mixed signals.
D: How so?
S: First she was like, "I hate you. I never want to see you again." But then she asked me to borrow my swipe card to get into the dorm. That was right after I stole her swipe card. I don't get it.
D: I'm sure things will work out. Do you have any dating tips? Or any lovemaking tips, for that matter?
S: Yeah, one good thing to do is to s***** her o******* f******* a**** t* b*** and q****** with the j**** on her w********* if you can r**** the g**** in time.
D: And what about lovemaking tips? Do you have any of those to share?
S: One word: Springsteen.
D: Moving on ... have you ever been in a fist fight?
S: No, but one time I ran a guy over with my car.
D: Wow. OK, that sounds like a traumatic experience. Would you care to --
S: April Fools! [Author's note: This interview was conducted April 12, 2008.]
D: Phew. You had me worried there.
S: Yeah, I was just joking. It was my friend's car. [Stares blankly]
D: Before we wrap up, can you summarize your philosophy on life?
S: I suppose I fall roughly midway between Kant's deontological approach and Hegelian dialectics in interpreting the nature of actions. Then again, Kierkegaard's theological existentialism, while valuable, is best tempered by incorporating a phenomenological perspective.
D: [Shocked] Wait, what did you say?
S: I meeeean, word up, broseph! Shout-out to Bonnycastle! Shout-out to Rugby! Shout-out to --
D: Check, please.
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