So you’ve coughed up your Rita’s Water Ice realizing the “Ice-Custard-Happiness” slogan is one-third lies. Or maybe you’ve made 109 shopping trips to Shady Grady only to discover repeats don’t count. I definitely know some kids who need to look in a mirror and realize both No. 1 (go streaking) and No. 109 (go on a real date) aren’t going to happen. There are, however, plenty of super reasons to have beef with the Class of 2009’s “109 Things You Have to Do Before Graduation” list, and thus, I humbly offer my own list of all the things worth accomplishing here at the University.
1. Get in a bar fight
I live by one principle and one alone. WWPD: What would Paris (Hilton) do? One of the many answers to this query is a bar fight. Anyone who graduates from college without a scar and possibly a little jail time from a bar brawl just isn’t trying hard enough. Bonus points if you do it at Buddhist Biker Bar & Grill so you technically can say you got in a fight at a biker bar. Just leave out the part about the fight being with a sorority girl about which a capella group is better.
2. Become famous ... JuicyCampus famous
Everyone knows there are different levels of awesome around Grounds. There are Lawnies, kids with 1,000 Facebook friends, Life columnists — but you know you’ve hit the big time when your name pops up on JuicyCampus. Until a pasty GDI can’t find time in his busy schedule of driving UTS buses and eating at Runk Dining Hall to post a jealous tirade about you, then I’m sorry, friend, but you’re actually not my friend because I only hang out with JC celebs.
3. Don’t recycle
Sorry No. 107, but now that the dining halls have stolen our trays and you have to carry your 20 plates individually, you’ve been looking for ways to even the score. You heard me, Mother Earth, reusing, recycling and whatever that third “R” that no one can ever remember — we’re not having anything to do with them anymore. Why not leave your Hummer running at all times, because what if you have a hairspray emergency and need to go get some pronto? Having trouble sleeping? Just go ahead and leave your shower on all night. Nothing like the sound of waterfalls to help you drift asleep. Sure, the “man” might cut off your water when it’s been on for eight hours straight, so you’re going to need to buy a lot of bottled water. Though, who cares? Personally, I don’t use tap water. I can only brush my teeth with bottled water flown in from the Fiji Islands.
4. Suffer irreparable burn damage in a steam tunneling accident
No. 25 might set you on the right track by pointing out the hilarious antics to be had by illegally trespassing in an underground labyrinth of rat carcasses and drunk first-years too socially awkward to get invited to a party, but ... actually I don’t know where I was going with this one. I just got burned while ironing some slacks and wanted you all to feel my pain.
5. Get hypnotized by Tom DeLuca
As fun as it is to see the same hypnotist do the exact same thing every year ... oh, wait, it’s not fun. So how do you get out of it? It’s too early in the year so you can’t drop that homework excuse yet (save that for the Rotunda sing). No, silly, the best way out of watching the show is to try to get in the show! Nothing makes creepy DeLuca’s bad jokes as bearable as a forced comatose state. The only downsides are he might touch you inappropriately and everyone will realize you’re a terrible person and have the mouth of a sailor. Oh, and unfortunately, there’s a one-in-20 chance you’ll be that year’s kid who takes his shirt off.
6. Remind friends that the clock is ticking
I don’t know why so many people threw a hissy fit about No. 109. Getting a date is the battle, getting a rock is the war — don’t you people watch any of the shows on VH1? So while they’re busy worrying, you should be busy mocking. Did a friend of a friend just send out her wedding invitations? Is your friend worried college is almost finished and no one has popped the question yet? Well, it’s time to start reminding all your friends of a few important facts. Fact one: All their friends are getting proposals. Fact two: They are not. Remember, despite what University Career Services says, the best-paying major/degree is still the Mrs. Degree.
7. Join a secret society then accidentally give away which one you’re in with your list’s number scheme
Almost as great as getting on JuicyCampus (where everyone knows how awesome you are) is joining a secret society (where only a handful of people know how awesome you are). When sending out your applications, just remember there’s a pretty widely accepted hierarchy of secret societies. I’m not ranking them here, though ... unless the Class of 2009 adds “get knifed” to the list.
Then if you’re really industrious (i.e., pre-med, pre-law or pre-Lawn), you can also throw in some studying or whatever the kids do these days. My list just covers the Facebook photo-worthy stuff.
Steve’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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