Did you see that? 3 Cs? Alliteration, kids. Throw it in a pan, season it with herbs. Delicious.
Anyway, with the onset of school comes the need for new stuff. Well, “new” to you. The ideal place to purchase old-for-one-guy-new-for-another stuff is a little land I like to call craigslist. Here, you can find used items — from cars to furniture to a decorative porcelain plate with an electric iguana attached to it that exclaims “Whoo yeah” when you pull a lever on its tail — for cheap.
Navigating this complex world is often daunting. Thus, I take this opportunity to answer some common questions about craigslist.
Q: Can I purchase my U.S. citizenship off craigslist?
A: That is in no way a common question.
Q: What does the craigslist site look like?
A: The site lists different options of goods and services for sale and lets users pick which cities across the world in which to search. With all lowercase font and entirely bright blue letters, however, craigslist looks like it was designed by a Crayola crayon that got held back two years.
Q: What types of services are offered on craigslist?
A: One particularly useful area is the “Jobs” tab on craigslist. Potential employers post ads for job openings in all different fields, but beware of the “[ETC]” tab. Deceptively worded ads aren’t always what they seem. An “appendage specialist” might only mean an opening for a Casio watch model. “Assistant risk-prevention supervisor?” A nanny for a pyromaniac four-year-old. “Anxiety appeaser?” Stripper.
Q: Are there any ways besides the “Jobs” tabs to make money on craigslist?
A: Of course! One of my personal favorites is to type “Plasma TV” in the search bar. For each ad that comes up that is a week old or more, e-mail the seller and say that if they still have not sold their TV, you will be happy to take it off their hands. For $1. “Take it or leave it” is often a good clincher. When they cave, turn around and sell that baby for a 2,000 percent profit. Also, the “Free Stuff” tab — filled with “treasures” that people are giving away sans charge — can be great for people whose definition of “treasures” is a pile of stones and “Mulan” on VHS.
Q: What is craigslist most useful for?
A: Depending on who you ask, furniture. It’s large, cumbersome and people are willing to take a profit cut just to get it out of the house. When you go to pick up your item and ask the seller for help moving it, however, prepare to cool off from the breeze created from their flapping eyelids as they stare blankly back at you.
Q: What if the person is actually nice enough to help me move the furniture?
A: Run like hell. They’re just trying to be next to you when you unlock your car. Five hours later you’ll wake up in the gutter wondering where your car/pants are.
Q: What happens when I arrive at the seller’s house?
A: After five minutes, the two of you both drop down and have a brief prayer session, giving thanks that neither of you are dead in a bag somewhere. If you are selling an item on craigslist and your residence is not easily visible from a populated street then, by all means ... tear down every wall and other house between you and the street to maximize visibility, lest you want to never be seen or heard from again.
Q: What should I say when I arrive at the house?
A: Commenting on the interior with things like “You have a very nice home,” are usually lies considering people selling things on craigslist are often stuck on that “11th step” and living in a tree. If they offer you food, politely decline, in the same way you would politely decline someone trying to poison your food. An interesting gray area is arriving at their home and realizing you forgot to use the bathroom before you left your own house. Asking them to use their facilities can be tricky. Sometimes it’s better to wait and just go in the yard on a tree when they’re not looking. Of course, if they actually do live in a tree: two birds with one stone.
Austin’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at a.wiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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