If you’re a fourth-year student reading this, you’ve probably already realized your undeniable superiority. For you and me, this is not just any other year. It is the best year ever. 400-levels are your friend this year. So are 12-credit semesters and bouncers at the Corner bars — now that you have a legitimate ID and don’t have to try to look like your sister’s best friend’s cousin’s roommate anymore.
Not your friend? Any standardized test acronym, your thesis, the job market and finding dinner reservations for graduation weekend. But hey, it’s only fall semester. You’re not majoring in Worry.
By now, you’re a pro at this college thing. You no longer get confused by the numbering “system” in Cabell Hall, and you hardly ever ask yourself what that round building on the Lawn is. You’ve bought your Class of 2009 ring, shirt, shot glass, bottle opener, blimp and tattoo and are now just as University-brand overloaded as on that first trip to the University Bookstore oh so long ago.
Inevitably, you’ve also snagged one of those “109 Things You Have to Do Before Graduation Or You Just Aren’t Cool and Have Failed At College” posters. If you’re anything like me, the list makes you feel horribly inadequate and apathetic, like you should be exiled back to your first-year dorm — which, incidentally, is No. 8 — and have to start all over again.
Many of the items on the list involve early mornings, exercise and libraries or, as I like to call it, the Trifecta of Doom. I’ve never had any desire to wake up early enough to see the sun rise on the Lawn or be ticket No. 1 at Bodo’s Bagels. Are the bagels any more delicious before noon? I think not. And sunsets on the Lawn are just as pretty, I’m guessing, but occur at a much more reasonable hour.
Lucky for me, about 27 items on the list involve food and/or drink. Pancakes for Parkinson’s? Check. Late night Little John’s? Check. Arch’s? Check. I was halfway through crossing off No. 97 when I noticed the word “dancing” after “salsa.” Whoops.
Some of the list’s claims are just plain erroneous. If you’ve seen a horse at Foxfield, you’re doing it wrong. If you’ve ordered delivery to Clemons, well, I wouldn’t exactly call that something to be proud of. Go home and take a shower, please. Grab some Bodo’s on your way — I hear they’re open early, but I wouldn’t know.
But my main beef with the list, beyond questions of “what are Spudnuts?” and “where is this elusive third dining hall?” is that it lacks balance. What it needs, and what I have helpfully provided, is a list of things you should not do before you graduate. Don’t think of it as an abstinence-only approach, but as a to-don’t companion to your to-do list to help you until May 17.
1. DON’T get mistaken for a first-year student, beyond your actual first year. It brings shame on your class. Travel in small groups, give out directions instead of asking for them and stop showing up at parties before 11 p.m.
2. DON’T fall down the hill at a football game. If you can manage to avoid treacherous muddy spots and swan-diving drunks in sundresses and striped ties, then you truly deserve your University diploma. You know that tackles belong on the field, not off. If you are one of the swan-divers, then I apologize. You can borrow my Tide to Go pen.
3. DON’T get on the wrong UTS bus and end up at Barracks Road when you were trying to get to Beta Bridge. Learning the bus schedules is a trick few can master. If you knew there was a Green Route before reading this, then I applaud you.
4. DON’T say the phrase “I miss high school.” Ever. They subtract credits for that.
5. DON’T regret it. Any of it. Lawn-related nudity, multiple Gus Burgers at 2 a.m., that time you got locked out of your dorm room wearing only a towel. Even falling down the hill or spending the night in Clemons. It’s all worth more than the embarrassment, the calories and the stains.
There you have it. If you can get through four years without doing any of these things, that is a notable accomplishment. Now climb in the Wahooptie with some Spudnuts while singing the “Good Ol’ Song” on your way to Shady Grady, and start crossing things off that other list, too.
Rebecca’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at r.marsh@cavalierdaily.com.
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