At the University, a student may swim at the Aquatic & Fitness Center, bike up O-Hill, run down Rugby, motor through McCormick or crawl on the Corner. But students predominantly walk when they need to get somewhere. When it comes to driving, the Department of Motor Vehicles gets to toot its own horn about rules of the road. So why doesn’t the University give out a list of sidewalk standards to ensure safer and far less uneventful walks to class for all? Since no one else will, I hereby take up the crusade to come up with a code of conduct for the concrete. It is especially important to lay down the law early in the year so the new first-year students don’t develop these bad habits.
First up, how many times has this happened to you? You’re walking down the sidewalk when you look up to see another person coming straight at you. Naturally, both of you decide to hold your ground and play a game of chicken because you both have the right to your piece of turf. And, just as you both decided to play the game, you both decide to give up on it at the same time and step out of the way. Sadly, since there are only two options, left and right, half the time after you sidestep you end up with the same problem. So instead of zigging and zagging, I propose always going to your right. This is America after all. Those backwards Brits lost their empire because they didn’t drive on the right side.
Fans of “The Mighty Ducks” might want to try out the flying V formation to increase their chances of scoring and to show their school pride, but this is not recommended when walking on the sidewalks. Going three abreast, or in any other formation for that matter, is the easiest way to clog up traffic and earn you and your friends the ire of everyone behind you who is trying to rush to class. In particular, walking side by side in the Bryan Hall Colonnade should be a capital offense. The limit should be two people side-by-side, or preferably in a straight line, because your friends in the Engineering School will tell you walking in a straight line is not only more aerodynamic but also less likely to get you pushed aside.
My next target is all those people who decide to run after buses with reckless abandon, bowling through the crowded sidewalks in the process. After missing a bus, instead of chasing after it, shouldn’t you just accept your tardiness? But instead, you choose to be late and sweaty. If these people had shown the same sense of urgency earlier in their travels, they wouldn’t have needed the bus at all. Instead they could have joined the rest of us in a leisurely walk to class.
Another way to become really popular on the sidewalk is to stop and talk to a friend. This veritable road block causes the stream of traffic to flow around your little get-together and starts new conversations of four-letter words directed at you. A corollary to these chatty Cathys are those people who feel the need to say hello to every other person they pass, and offer up the generic question “how’s it going?” How’s it going!?!? It (me) is going this way, and you’re going the other way. The Doppler effect would seem to apply. A simple wave and “hi” would suffice.
Last but not least are the overly apologetic walkers. The sidewalks around Grounds tend to be crowded — dangerously packed, you might even say. In this great sea of humanity it is only natural that people are going to bump into each other. Yet even the slightest nudge warrants a quick “I’m sorry” from each of the parties involved. First of all, Timbaland was right. “It’s too late to apologize.” First, chances are if I bumped into you it’s because I’m in a hurry and don’t have time for a proper apology. Second, on the sidewalk everybody’s personal space is being violated, so no one is at fault for the occasional run-in. If I really meant to hit you, you’d know it. Constantly saying “I’m sorry” only dilutes its true meaning and shows us all to be merely superficially polite. By no means do we need to turn into heartless New Yorkers. The South has it charms after all, but when we say “I’m sorry,” let’s mean it.
Now then, I don’t mean to be a strict as say Aerosmith who implored you to “Walk This Way.” I merely seek to provide you with a set of guidelines to make the walking experience more pleasurable for all. So follow these simple standards for walking with your fellow Wahoos or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes.
John’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at j.gregory@cavalierdaily.com.
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