Count your blessings, U.Va. As we all know, the popular tradition of tailgating on the Lawn prior to football games was banned by University administrators. I find their reasoning to be about as stable as the mud on the hill at Saturday’s Richmond game.
School officials cited the scene before last week’s USC game as reason for the ban, pointing specifically to, “open consumption of alcohol, students shouting obscenities, and even a significant amount of urination on buildings, alleys, and bushes.” Pardon me for one second:
Dear Rugby Road on a Friday Night,
Please pack up immediately. You’re banned. What? School policy ... part of a new “happiness subduing” campaign or something. Yeah. We’ll say “hey” to Foxfield for you.
Lemon drops and lollipops,
University Administrators
The open consumption of alcohol and the yelling of obscenities are almost too benign to bother commenting on. Have you been to a college football game at other universities, University Administrators? Consider yourself lucky. Maybe next week, we “crazy” University kids can show you what a real tailgate actually is. Can’t you see it now? You’re right, I think the Lawn will look much better with a couple hundred rows of Silverados and F-150’s lined up, hitches down with legs a’danglin’. Maybe if you’re lucky a couple more enthusiastic attendees will treat you to the Stars ‘n Bars flapping from their truck antennas.
But the urination in public is worth a bit more scrutiny. Basically, most students didn’t feel compelled to a) ask a Lawn resident to swipe them into the outhou — I mean, bathrooms — reserved for Lawn students, b) trek all the way from more southern parts of the Lawn to the bathrooms located near the Rotunda or c) in these troubled times of global environmental struggle, help the grass grow.
University Administrators, lend me your ears! These students practiced economy of thought, conservation of energy and commitment to ecological flourishing! And you thought they were dishonoring Mr. Jefferson’s University. Allow me to respectfully submit a hearty “nay.” High-five, Academical Village.
Additionally: “Inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?” School Administrators ... have you ever met a happy person that desperately had to pee? I knew you’d come around.
You may say the behavior at tailgating defaces the sanctity of the Lawn. First of all, this “defacing” happens seven times a year, once for each home football game. That’s seven days, or one week. No offense, but the Lawn is “defaced” with scaffolding, unnavigable myriads of chairs and random patches of sod installation for, oh, I’d estimate about 35 weeks out of the year. One additional week of alleged “defacing” probably doesn’t disrupt the trend too much. And if you want, I’m sure students can tailgate next week in a fashion more suitable with tasteful University tradition: drinking their beer while tearing pell-mell down the Lawn wearing nothing but their ties, pearls, and a smile.
You cite the “safety of Lawn and Range residents” as further reason for the ban. Safety? With all due respect, living in quarters with no toilets and a security system that involves duct-taping a mail slot shut against intruders and bashing burglars over the head with a log to combat the dearth of heat is not an environment that hurls “safety” to the forefront of the mind.
In an effort to compromise, for the first game of the season, the University allowed tailgates on the Lawn and Range, but they could not exceed 40 people to a room. Time for a math lesson, kids (Math? But you already touched on conservation of energy and environmental awareness! Jefferson probably just melted an ice cap he’s beaming so much.) There are 104 rooms on the Lawn and Range. Forty times 104 is 4,160. Oh, University Administrators ...
University Administrators (sulking): What.
That means under the old policy, 4,160 students could have been on the Lawn prior to a game without exceeding capacity. I don’t know if you were at the Richmond game this weekend, but I’m not sure if there were 4,160 people there, let alone students.
And you cite “concern for large crowds” as your reasoning for the ban. Yes, I agree. Large crowds on the Lawn. Very concerning. One second:
Dear Lighting of the Lawn, Rotunda Sing and graduation,
Yeah, pack up. You’re banned, too.
Austin’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at a.wiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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