Spoiler alert — the following column is not for the televisually-impaired.
Most people know what day it is when they check their phone or their calendar because of particular meetings, assignments or commitments. My system is more intuitive — if it’s time for a double dose of soapy young adult drama, it’s probably Monday. If it feels like a night for half-hour single-camera comedies, it’s Thursday already.
Now I know what you’re thinking — the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. So, OK, I’m a TV addict. I’ve caught the TV-bola virus. Tube-rculosis. Screencephalitis. I’m also a bad-pun enthusiast, but that’s another conversation entirely.
It’s not that I don’t have a life outside of TV. I associate with three-dimensional people, in conversations only lightly peppered with “Arrested Development” quotes. It’s only occasionally that I’d rather be talking about Dan Humphrey’s cheekbones or Jim and Pam’s wedding.
I do think life would be more interesting if it were more like TV. Others might argue the same about their obsession — that life would be better if it mirrored a sporting event, a musical or a math equation. My lack of coordination leads me to disagree with the first two. Numerophobia rules out the last. (Yes, it’s a real condition. There are dozens of us! Dozens!)
But tell me it wouldn’t be cool if Jefferson Park Avenue had all the juicy drama of Wisteria Lane, if our football team was as inspiring as the Dillon Panthers or if your summer internship was as hilarious as a day at Dunder-Mifflin. Granted, this could be detrimental to your sanity; you might start thinking your mom is secretly dealing drugs à la Nancy Botwin or that some anonymous gossip is blogging your secrets to the whole school. You might start running down the Lawn away from smoke monsters and polar bears. On second thought, life as a TV show sounds paranoia-inducing, but I’m not the only one caught up that world.
The average American watches more than four hours of television a day, and it’s mostly high-rating, low-IQ fare like “American Idol,” “Deal or No Deal” and “Who Wants to Marry My Dad/Nanny/Dog/Farmer?” I bring this up only to clarify that while I may be a fanatic, at least I’m not gorging on anything so bland or toxic. I like a little more substance — with fewer immunity challenges and rose ceremonies — on my menu.
What I have discovered is that a good television diet can be mapped onto something similar to the food pyramid. At the top, you have your sugary, filler shows — all calories and hardly any substance. These are your guilty pleasures, and they include reality shows, game shows and the three G’s – “Gossip Girl,” “Greek” and “Grey’s Anatomy.” They are to be consumed sparingly and sometimes secretly or with only your closest friends.
Below these are your more filling shows. They’re richer and more flavorful — like a hearty steak or a block of cheese — but still something you should only be having about two or three times a week. These include some but not all courtroom, medical and forensic dramas (“CSI: Miami” doesn’t make the list) and traditional sitcoms — but only those not centered on Charlie Sheen.
On the third level of our TV Pyramid, we have our fruits-and-vegetables shows. They’re always healthy and if you’re careful with your choices, they can be tasty, too. These include news/humor hybrids like “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report,” and consistently underrated shows that, like vegetables, you should be consuming more often. You aren’t watching “Friday Night Lights”/”Weeds”/”30 Rock”/”Dexter”?!? In the memorable words of Matthew McConaughey in “Dazed and Confused,” “It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”
At the bottom, we have the starchy favorites, the bowls of serials that keep you going during the week. It’s easy to get all your servings of these shows — they’re appetizing, entertaining and well-written. In a room full of people, you can usually find someone who has watched one of them, which makes them good conversation starters, dialogic hors d’oeuvres. “The Office” and “Lost” come to mind.
The TV Pyramid is neither unbiased nor exhaustive. It may also be of no help to remedial TV viewers. If you’re watching “Passions,” “The Baby Borrowers” or pretty much anything on CBS (except the amazing “How I Met Your Mother”), I can’t help you. You need a professional TV nutrition specialist. Get help, please, for all our sakes. The only thing worse than an addict is someone who is using incorrectly.
Rebecca’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at r.marsh@cavalierdaily.com.
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