With Halloween approaching ever so rapidly, I find myself becoming more and more apprehensive about putting on a costume. Some look at the day as a chance to dress up and be someone they’re not, but I feel like I do this every day. I cannot help but notice how I change from situation to situation, claiming a fresh face and new ideals. I doubt I am the only person out there who feels the need to modify his behavior to fit within the context or people they are around. I am sick of feeling as though “being myself” is something I have yet to achieve, and I am ready to accept constancy within my personality. And so I wonder, how does one stop performing and become consistently real?
I got to be a kid again this past Monday. I had not played a proper game of dodgeball with people my own age in at least 10 years. My high school banned it and my last memory of the sport places me back in the sixth grade, after school, awkward and distressed. We lost the first round of the tournament but I must admit I’m not too shabby — better than I was before, but maybe it’s the massive increase in age and strength. Playing today made me think about the past — how unsure I was about my life and how I truly thought that coming to college would in itself elicit some sort of epiphany that would make everything clear. Needless to say, that has yet to happen, but the older I get the more I realize how much I don’t know. The common themes among my peers are future plans, marital arrangements and other topics that lend themselves to questioning. My questions differ from group to group, but my outlook seems to stay the same.
I was recently talking with an incredibly intelligent and hilarious friend who expressed a similar take on the issue of adapting to diverse groups of friends. He said he feels weird because of the way he changes when around different people. His personality becomes much louder and more audacious when surrounded by one group, and he becomes quiet and reserved around another. He questioned why he does this and wished that he too could veer away from this dichotomy. Are we friends because we both do this or is this too normal to be a unique example? Do most people feel as though they cannot be their true selves in every situation?
I would like to think there are some extremely confident people in the world who never feel the need to be a walking variety pack. I am not one of those people. I allow myself much similarity between groups, but I do censor myself around my more pious friends. Do they do the same? I understand how offensive I can be to some people so I watch my tongue, but I think that as long as physical violence isn’t involved, I shouldn’t have to. I too become louder in some groups and quieter in others; the problem lies in the circumstances in which I do not say what I feel because of the way the other group members may react. Don’t worry, Obama, I can believe in change; it is its implementation that becomes difficult.
In relation to change, my experience this past weekend was exemplary of my not-so-static ways. I went to Virginia Tech to celebrate a friend’s birthday and I partied with all of my amigos from high school for the first time. They know all of my deep, dark secrets and I feel completely comfortable around them, but while in that new environment, I felt liberated and able to be whoever I wanted to be. When separated from them at the party we attended, I talked to people I wouldn’t normally talk to, but I still did things that I would probably do anywhere — dancing obviously. The comfort of being in familiar territory was gone, but with it all of the pressure of maintaining a certain reputation was washed away. I enjoyed getting away from my U.Va. history, even if it was for one night only.
Regardless of my behavior or my varying opinions, I am trying to attain a more coherent personality. It doesn’t feel like an act, but I would like to be able to intermingle friends less stressfully. I have never been afraid to work hard, so as my load continues to get heavier, I will just have to be more honest with myself and less concerned with other people. Now if I could only find that new mask?
Ian’s column runs biweekly Thursdays. He can be reached at i.smith@cavalierdaily.com.
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