OMG, happy b-day to the devil! Just kidding — I have no idea what the heck Halloween is celebrating. I do know that for the next week or three I get to eat a giant bag of candy every day and dress up in ridiculous outfits and no one can judge me. No one! Personally, I’ve been worrying about my costume for the past 11 months — this is the biggest Facebook photo-taking day of the year! I gotta get my cute on, yo. Meanwhile, some people have been slacking on their costume brainstorm sessions, but don’t worry because I’m totes happy to explain it all to you.
Now lots of people — and by people, I mostly mean girls — mock the sacredness of the devil’s holiday by slutting it up with costumes like whorey maid, whorey teacher, and whorey [insert normally respectable and heinously underpaid profession here]. While other judgmental columnists might wag their finger and say “Tut! Tut!,” not me. I wholeheartedly encourage it. Just remember to wear that outfit to trick-or-treating on the Lawn.
At least guys have the good taste just to wear a hooded black robe and accessorize it. It’s a great excuse to buy a plastic light saber or sword, which we all know you just bought to jump around your room with in videos you later “accidentally” post on YouTube. Or maybe you added a super scary mask? Unless you’re making a dated reference to that amazing episode of “Boy Meets World” with Jennifer Love Hewitt where Shawn kills everyone (even Feeny!) in his sleep, lose the mask. I just want to know who stole the last Reese’s Cup. I don’t care if that peanut butter is dry and powdery, those things are crazy good.
Even worse than the generic whore/robe costumes are the exact opposite, when you just had the most original idea ever ... for something everyone’s talking about these days. You’re going to dress like the Joker/Sarah Palin? If you dress like the Joker, your costume is a joke. The only time I want to see disheveled hair and smeared makeup on people is during walks of shame, so save it for the morning after Halloween.
Maybe you want to show your topical political humor, so Palin is right up your alley. News flash: Tina Fey did it better than you. For instance, the only time I’ve actually ever seen the real Palin is when she confronted Fey’s Palin on “Saturday Night Live” last week. Even the real Palin paled in comparison to Fey’s. But tell you what — if you decide to go beyond the business suit, McCain sticker and Tina Fey glasses, you might salvage the look. For instance, get an accomplice to dress up as your ironically pregnant teenage daughter or a guy with a six pack (bonus points if his name is actually Joe) or maybe hone your Alaskan accent and befriend some Russians. There are so many options with her, so I won’t forbid it.
But I will forbid many other possibilities. There are always those costumes that people never fail to bring out year after year. Wow, you managed to find a red and white shirt and some Harry Potter glasses? Great, but when I ask “Where’s Waldo?,” the answer better be staying in your dorm room until you think of a legitimate costume. What’s that? You managed to find a belt and underwear, so you’ve decided to be Quailman? Listen junior, I don’t want to see your Kmart briefs. If you’re going for the ‘90s semi-obscure cartoon look, try Doug’s more interesting alter ego Jack Bandit. Basically he’s a Zorro rip-off that Doug invented to escape punishment for supposedly burning down the gymnasium with his fake volcano science project. Plus his catchphrase is “Wa Na Na ... Jack Bandit!,” and that never gets old. Or you can realize Doug was a ridiculously inept, easily malleable, poor role model for youngsters who wrote in a diary and pick a better character like Skeeter, but then there’s that awkward debate about whether he’s blue or green. I thought he looked green, but Wikipedia told me he was blue, so then I edited the page so now I’m back to being right as usual. Double triple bonus points if you go as Skeeter’s Quailman-esque alter ego Silver Skeeter.
And I know Jim stapled three paper circles to his chest and called himself a three-hole punch, but even if he’s Jim and the best example of everything that’s right with “The Office” and the world in general, he’s still a dirty rule-breaker. Anything you can do in five seconds doesn’t count. Anything you wear on a normal basis doesn’t count. A slip with a piece of paper taped on that says Freud? Oh ... a Freudian slip. That’s super clever — by the way, are you too cheap to buy a costume or just really that uncreative? You’re a track star, you say? Liar! I’ve seen you wear that to the AFC, you liar! Stop mocking Halloween!
This Halloween, the devil, me and all your Facebook friends want you to look a little less embarrassing than normal while getting your candy on, so try not to disappoint us all like you usually do.
Steve’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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