There’s going to be a new president.
If that is news to you, it’s probably best ... you know what, if that is news to you, you probably aren’t able to make it to the end of this sentence, so !@#$ it.
In anticipation of the upcoming election, I’m here today to help you navigate some of the buzzword topics surrounding the race. I’m also here today because two years ago, The Cavalier Daily staff offered me a position as a columnist.
Political ads: Any of you who have a TV and a regular heartbeat have undoubtedly seen several political ads. These ads can be identified by ominous music and a gravely toned narrator recounting some horrific tale from one candidate’s sordid past. The ad then audibles at the line, and the music switches to carnival tunes while the narrator, fresh off a just-popped Prozac, cheerfully sings the praises of the other candidate who, in case you missed it, has never done a damn thing wrong in his life. If you look out your window, he’s actually helping your grandmother carry her groceries across the street this very second.
In Barack Obama’s case, some of his ads — in the wake of the current U.S. economic “oops” — point at John McCain’s involvement with another financial dip a couple of decades ago right as McCain began his time as an Arizona senator. Blaming a politician for fringe involvement in a matter that occurred prior to even getting his feet wet on the Senate floor is like blaming the bat boy for the Phillies’ 1983 World Series loss.
McCain, in turn, has called Obama’s character into question by citing Obama’s relationship with political radical Bill Ayers. This “relationship” involved serving on the board of directors of the same charity. Apparently serving on a board with someone means you adopt their views as your own. My dad serves on a city zoning board with a lesbian; by McCainian logic, it would seem my poor mother could be plum out of luck.
Vice presidential candidates: The presidential candidates aren’t the only ones sparking debate; their running mates get their share of attention as well. Obama’s running mate Joe Biden can be insufferably long-winded, while Republican Sarah Palin is ...
(McCain campaign — or ‘The McPaign’ — representative): Excuse me, Austin?
Austin: Yes?
(MCR): Joe Biden just finished a sentence he started in 1985.
Anyway, Palin is also a lightning rod for all manner of debate. Anne Bancroft in “The Graduate,” Stifler’s mom or Sarah Palin: Who are you taking to dinner? Simba, Geronimo or Fire Hydrant: Which will she name her next child? While you half-expect her to pull out a napkin, lick it and wipe crumbs away from the corners of McCain’s mouth during a rally at any second, her down-home motherly image could play out well on Election Day.
Economic Crisis: At one point during the last 64 months of election coverage, attention was given to McCain’s family owning 13 cars and seven homes. Meanwhile, the $700 billion bailout plan of the subprime loan crisis has been widely criticized. Correct me if I’m wrong, but having a president who’s seriously loaded would have its perks, right? Who’s to say he wouldn’t dip into his own pockets to re-stimulate this economy and take the burden off taxpayers? I mean, really ... what Girl Scout hasn’t used a few of her own dollars to reach cookie quota, if you know what I mean?
So there you have it folks. I hope ...
(McPaign rep, again): Excuse me, Austin?
Austin: Yes?
(MCR): I wanted to let you know that Mr. McCain is in the middle of reading your column right now.
Austin: Really? That’s great. What does he think?
(MCR): ... I can’t tell. He seems to have nodded off. He should be up around 4:30, though. Just in time for his dinner.
Austin’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at a.wiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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