Alright kids, we’re back with another installment of “the greatest YouTube videos posted by people you have never seen nor met, and who should not even possess a license for video-posting as most of their ‘work’ is dumb and involves misbegotten ne’er-do-wells jumping off the roofs of their homes — OK, strangers’ homes, the first batch of people don’t actually have homes since they spend too much time posting videos and thus failed to ever become gainfully employed, resulting in the repossession of their previously occupied excuse for a house that was ultimately condemned by local authorities — into backyard pools only to realize mid-air that, shucks, they forgot to fill the thing with water — watch and see what happens” ever ... list. Please turn off all electronic personal listening devices prior to take-off:
1. “Jim Rome” — Jim Everett is a former NFL quarterback who can bench press a small school. Jim Rome is an ESPN talk show host who is big enough to still be in school. Jim Rome is annoying ... like the towel boy who constantly says he’s “just the right supporting cast of receivers away from being a first-team All-American quarterback” is annoying. Rome decides to call Everett’s toughness into question on air by repeatedly referring to him as “Chris Evert”, the name of a former female tennis champ. Everett promptly deposits Rome into a sound booth. Rome forgot the “bench pressing a school” item.
2. “Sneezing Panda” — Self-explanatory.
3. “Reporter turns ghetto in 3 seconds” — Carlton Banks ... Carlton Banks ... Carlt — Shazam! Busta Rhymes.
4. “News Reporters Getting OWNED” — Have you ever been just sitting around, at home on a Sunday, measuring how far apart your aunt’s contractions are, and thought, “I wish I could see a field reporter get trampled by a racehorse?” So have we! Pull up a chair.
5. “Humor” — In the same vein as the “Reporters” installment above, this aptly named opus is a compilation of humans walking or standing. Then they’re not anymore ... after some variety of $#!@ knocks them flat on their keister. Methods include a bazooka backfiring, a dachshund running around with an errantly firing Roman candle between its teeth, and a guy punching someone dressed as a scarecrow for reasons we here have yet to pinpoint.
6. “The whistles go ... whoo whoo!” — An auto-shop worker by trade, Bubb Rubb waxes (Auto-shop? Waxes? We know, you don’t deserve so much ... what can we say? We’re givers) philosophical and educates legions of simpleton viewers as to the merits of installing an apparatus into your vehicle’s exhaust pipe called a “whistle tip,” the resulting emission from which is a pitch so shrill it leaves thousands of dogs keeled over dead within a 50-mile radius. Bubb Rubb also has an apprentice in the Whistle Tip vocation, a budding scholar who goes by the moniker of “Lil Sis.” Lil Sis deliberates the aesthetic value of whistle-tip automotive modifications.
7. “NFL Fantasy File: Laurence Maroney” — Laurence Maroney is a running back for the more recent version of the New England Patriots. Reebok did an ad campaign for fantasy football. Sweet little Laurence here decided to chip in his two cents by jumping cleanly through the windows of a 2008 Denali. We have trouble seeing what this has to do with advertising fantasy football. We also have trouble caring. Most athletic 33 seconds on YouTube. Period. “Hi, Over, I’m the Discussion. Nice to meet you.”
8. “Steves Riding Lawn Mower DUI Arrest Video” — See “Sneezing Panda.”
9. “Bill O’Reilly Flips Out” — With a title like this, Billy would really have to fling a fit of hiss above and beyond ... well, every other episode of his show. Don’t worry — in addition to a fit of hiss, he also flings, get this: a pen. Riveting.
10. The Granddaddy of ‘em all: “Leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama” — Basically, a community of folks in Mobile, Alabama wholeheartedly endorses the notion that their neighborhood is terrorized at night by a spritely leprechaun, so they take precautionary measures against him, while one citizen hopes to capitalize on the little fellow’s presumed pot of gold. I’m not really sure what’s so confusing.
That concludes my list of awesome YouTube videos. Stay tuned for a final YouTube-themed installment next time.
Austin’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at a.wiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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