OMG guys, I can totes be serious!
I have more political know-how than all the tools in your government class combined.
Go vote! Wait, it happened when?
As an illustrious columnist/public servant, I try my darnedest to keep an open dialogue with the community. But people refuse to tell me what I want to hear — how cute my picture is — and insist on being negative Nancies and fussing about how I never cover the “serious issues.” My fans ask me, “Steve, I know costumes and old Nickelodeon shows are important, but what about the economy, famine and politics? Why must you deny your loyal readers your sage opinions on these topics?”
Now I have yet to Google who won the election last Tuesday ... Actually, the only choice I made that day was between Chunky Monkey and Neapolitan Dynamite when electing my free scoop from Ben and Jerry’s, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how new President Whoever should go about doing his job better.
Recessions, health care problems and wars are all no-brainers, so I’m going to skip to the fun part: picking a new cabinet. I’m not talking about what I do at IKEA during the weekends; I’m ranting about how the president gets to give glamorous jobs to all his BFFs. Hopefully this new president will play the game right like I do.
These résumé-boosting positions are great gifts, so why waste them on people who already like you? For instance, I never give birthday presents to people I’m already friends with — we’re already friends (Facebook says so!) so why would I put any more work into this? I only give presents — usually framed Photoshopped pictures of us together — to the cute kids I want to join my posse.
I think you know where I’m going with this, and yes, the president’s first pick as chief of staff should have been Zac Efron. Who better to be the new chief of staff than someone with a proven track record of teamwork by bringing together a diverse collection of associates, from musically-inclined brainiacs to basketball-playing pastry chefs? A real bipartisan team work ethic is just a few Oval Office renditions of “We’re All in This Together” away.
And like I said earlier, this whole “recession” people are blabbing about is so not even a biggie because we’ll just pawn it off on new Secretary of the Treasury Paris Hilton. After John McCain compared her to Barack Obama — because they’re both celebrities who look great in swimsuits — she started her own presidential campaign. Unfortunately, the liberal media never gives Paris the attention she deserves, so her campaign was disadvantaged from the start. Her ability, however, to make millions every year without a job shows she has the business savvy it’ll take to clean up this hot economic mess. Plus, by winning her BFFship the easy way with a cushy government appointment, the president will save weeks he otherwise would have to spend on the next season of “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.”
I just know this country’s favorite hotel heiress/hussy will be filled with tons of cost-cutting advice. For instance, this whole billion-dollar war in Iraqistan or wherever? Paris would fight her wars much more efficiently. Just release your enemy’s sex tape, spread rumors that he, she or the country has an eating disorder and then “forget” to invite them to your pool party. If that doesn’t get you a truce in a month, then hey, at least you’ll have gotten a lot of great publicity on Perez Hilton.
To pull this off, though, Paris will have to get to work with new Secretary of Defense Matt Damon. No explanation needed for Matt Damon. Also, Secretary of the Interior (Decorating) Martha Stewart doesn’t require an explanation, but I’ll provide one because I don’t think you’re as smart as me: She has experience with the federal system, specifically its penitentiaries, and if her pumpkin marble cake recipe isn’t enough of a reason to put her eighth in line for succession to the presidency, then I just don’t know what is.
And I’m sure all my hippie readers are throwing up their cruelty-free, locally-grown, tasteless salads in a hissyfit because this cabinet hasn’t solved the climate crisis, but never fear! Jessie Spano as secretary of energy will fix our dependency on foreign oil. Just jam some pep pills in her yapper, hook her up to a treadmill and she’ll power the country for the foreseeable future — while screeching “I’m So Excited” and maybe some other ‘80s hits. And if anyone dares point out Jessie’s a fictional character, then I’ll be forced to point out global warming is a fictional crisis. Sarah Palin assured us global warming is just God hugging us closer, which she couldn’t have done without some facts to back up such claims. By Palin, obviously I mean Tina Fey, but she’s a U.Va. alumna and if she lied, then it’s an honor violation, so you know it must be true.
For chief technology officer, the obvious choice is social-climbing geek extraordinaire Mac Guy aka Justin Long. He’s the personification of a Mac, so I assume he can fix the president’s iPod, but more importantly he’s dating chicks way out of his league: Drew Barrymore, Kirsten Dunst and — OMG — Tila Tequila. As this country begins its downward spiral at the hands of globalization and canceling “The O.C.” — almost two years later and I’m still bitter — Mac Guy can show the new president how to hang out with the cooler kids/countries so they can give us gigantic loans for no reason because goodness knows we need them.
But wait, isn’t it someone else’s job to deal with other countries? And isn’t there a famous television personality everyone loves who I haven’t mentioned yet? Duh, as secretary of state, Oprah will get a chance to tell other countries’ authors that they’re dirty liars and open up even more Oprah-brand schools all over the world. After watching Mr. Katie Holmes stomp all over her sofa, she knows how to deal with the crazies as well, which is going to help when Sarah Palin becomes president of Russia — she practically lives there already. But really this is just a stepping stone for the inevitable and glorious Oprah for President in 2012. We need someone to keep that seat warm for when Zac Efron is old enough to run in 2024.
Steve’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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