Squish.
I can’t believe I just stepped in horse crap wearing flip-flops. It’s too dark to see anything on my foot, but I know it’s there.
The Saturday before last, I got to do something I rarely ever get to do — I went to a bluegrass festival. It was incredible. Three families hosted a medium-sized event on one of their properties — there was a band, Big Jim’s Bar-B-Que, a bonfire, hot apple cider, dogs and horses. It felt so nice to get out of Charlottesville and away from the University. The country air was chilly, but the bonfire kept us warm. I went with some friends and other than them, I knew no one else there. I love going to unfamiliar places and experiencing new things. My last two summers, for example, have been spent working at different summer camps in New York. I take the train up alone and plan on not knowing anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and friends, but there is something to be said for the mystery and unknowing that accompanies someone when they go into uncharted territory. I really got to know some of my pledge brothers while huddled around the fire, and I felt so blessed that I could be there without any worries or preoccupations in my head.
College is suffocating me. I cannot wait for this upcoming Thanksgiving Break because I desperately need to get away from the University. It isn’t just this place that makes me feel trapped — it is everywhere. While in high school, I could not wait to go to college, and now that I am here, I am trying to leave as soon as I can. I am fine when I’m busy and my mind does not wander, but once I have alone time, all I can think about is what I will do after college and where I would rather be right at that exact moment.
I long for adventure. I want a murder mystery lifestyle or a romantic comedy experience, and I know neither of these will occur while I am here. I have always desired a walking-on-the-beach, kissing-in-the-rain, dying-without-you type love and let’s face it, the University is not Hollywood, and my dreams seem to be more like movie scripts than attainable realities. The types of relationships I used to fantasize about — the ones where I’ve been away on urgent business and as soon as the plane lands I run out into my lover’s arms, with wrapped legs and passionate kisses — are quickly fading into abstract concepts. Maybe I’m becoming more mature, but don’t we all still want Disney moments and country songs? Why is it so wrong to believe in true love and be willing to wait for it?
I came to college with the same unrealistic expectations that most people probably come here with. I have not met my soul mate, there is just as much drama as in high school (possibly more), I am still a virgin and I have no clue what I am going to do after I graduate.
As I lay awake before going to sleep, I often wonder if happiness will ever come naturally. Will I ever be completely satisfied? I thought college would make me happy and I am happy, but I question if I will ever be absolutely content with my life and the decisions I’ve made.
Speaking of life and decisions, this past Saturday, I went out with some of my best friends. About half of us were in full-drag as we ate at McDonald’s, party-hopped and ended up at Littlejohn’s at 3 a.m. Explanation: The Spice Girls came to Charlottesville on their Reunion Tour and performed at Drag Bingo in Newcomb Ballroom. The performance was exhilarating, but I would be lying if I said the excitement ended there. Don’t worry — I remember everything, but maybe that was the problem. I felt unlike myself, outside of myself and acted wilder than I normally would have, I believe we all did because we were masked and not really ourselves in a sense. The scariest part: It felt great. I loved not being myself for one night and would embrace the opportunity with open arms in a heartbeat. Now comes the real question: Why do I have to “be” someone else to act the way I want to act? I suppose it is the same reason some people don’t like to dance unless they drink. We need excuses or catalysts to break out of our shells and leave our comfort zones.
The University has become a place of comfort for me, but I am still struggling with finding my identity and I am ready to explore new terrain. I am coming to terms with the idea that it isn’t where I am, but who I am. The real problem is that we can never escape ourselves.
Ian’s column runs biweekly Thursdays. He can be reached at i.smith@cavalierdaily.com.
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