Dear friends, legitimate family, illegitimate family, coworkers we despise and anyone else within striking distance of the postage stamp affixed to this envelope,
Happy Holidays! Welcome to another installment of the Wiles Family Christmas Letter!
Recipient: Gosh, we’re just not quite sure how to say this, but ... We don’t have the faintest idea who you people are.
Wiles family: Who cares?! Merry Christmas!
My, how the days have melted into months, the seasons simmered into seasons, the moments sautéed into larger balls of moments, since we have seen so many of you ... And in many cases, for good reason. Our 2007 holiday hors d’oeuvre soiree was not the proper occasion for the “Santa-Off” in which some of you chose to compete for the prize of “Least-Injurious Dismount” from the roof of our family’s home. And Andy, downing a fifth of bourbon and subsequently attempting to ride an actual caribou like a Shetland pony was a disgrace unto itself. Trying to complete all of that while still competing in the Santa-Off, however, was just an embarrassment to that excuse for a couple who adopted you.
But to the rest of you ... Cheers! We hope this letter finds all of you in good health (but not so healthy that you look better than us!), wealth (but not so wealthy that your cars are fancier!!) and spirits (but not such good spirits that your smiles are bigger than ours!!!). We wanted to take this moment to share with the ones we love most how busy and remarkable our family has been this past year!
For those of you who are left unsatiated by this letter, don’t worry! We’ve emailed everyone a downloadable popup book format so you can feel more a part of our family, considering we’ve been too busy to actually bother with you in person for 12 straight months. If that still doesn’t do it for you, don’t worry. ‘Tis the season! We went right ahead and filmed every moment since January 2008 that could possibly be deemed significant and then consolidated our whole year into 43 easy-to-watch, full-length DVDs. We know, right? It’s like Santa went and procreated!
Dad: It was a big year for the ol’ Papa Bear. Dad launched a startup that we’ll try to make sound a lot cooler than it is — a freelancing gig formed with few other options in the wake of being quietly laid off after his wandering mind led him to leave off “a few pesky zeroes” on client financial statements. During the summer, Dad got the itch to take all the comforts of a home, load them on his back and go drag his entire family into the woods for a nine-day “vacation” that consisted of cooking and sleeping in a tree. When the kids asked why they couldn’t have done all the same stuff in a house for “half the West Nile virus,” Dad vowed to go to Jamaica next year, on account of wanting to get his hair “done up in coils by those fellows who pop up outta the sea.” (Editor’s note: Dad’s been bald for 10 years.)
Mom: Mom kept busy this year by developing her budding career: arranging neighbors’ Christmas light displays in the shapes of every member of the family’s zodiac sign. She also devotes countless hours to her pyramid scheme, which deals primarily with contracting out large, festive St. Patrick’s Day still-life displays year-round. Check out Mom and all her business ventures online! www.trulygreatusesoftime.com
Requisite Young-Adult Child: Our oldest is about to graduate college and has already started up his own entrepreneurial enterprise, all the while juggling a full course load. My, are we proud! (Editor’s note: Starting a psychedelic mushroom farm in the basement is not an “entrepreneurial enterprise.”) He’s also shown a strong interest in chemistry and is looking into entering the pharmaceutical industry after school. (Editor’s note: Neither is selling your leftover prescription Adderall for profit to absent-minded retirees bound and determined to finish the crossword.)
Requisite Overachieving Middle-School-Aged Child: After being elected principal of her middle school when student council president was deemed “below her learning level,” our middle cherubim spent her summer with AIDS victims in Africa. She visited hospitals, smiled at the patients, and poof! No more AIDS! She also tutored the elderly and underprivileged children simultaneously, started her own smile-distribution company, captained her soccer, lacrosse, basketball, swimming and Nickelodeon “Guts” teams, and — oops, don’t look now, but she’s raking your leaves. For free.
Requisite Endlessly Amusing, Developing Toddler Child: Total accident. Seriously. Wish she were gone.
So that’s us in a nutshell! We hope you all have a wonderful holiday season during which each of your gifts is inferior to ours. Get ready for our spring update when we’ll have a life-size Easter egg deliver an “Update Carol” to each and every one of your front doors. Peace be with you!
Austin’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at a.wiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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