We’re living in an age of limitless possibilities, or so they tell me. The rapidly progressing forces of modern technology promise to make our lives easier, longer and more productive than ever before. People are increasingly interconnected, and information travels at the speed of light. Heck, you can even order a pizza on the Internet — though unfortunately, it still doesn’t get delivered at the speed of light.
I’m certainly glad there are so many talented minds working on the big challenges we face as a species. Sustainability, alternative energy and cancer are all critical issues and worthy of a serious investment in research. But how about the small things? Rome wasn’t built in a day, and it probably won’t be made green in a day, either. In the meantime, we could probably divert a small slice of our R&D pie to some short-term advancements that would make life better for all of us. Do I have any suggestions, you ask? Indeed I do.
1) The Organizer With Attitude. Anybody can make a small book — or even a sophisticated electronic device — for people to record their appointments and engagements so they won’t forget them. But leaving it at that ignores one important fact: People are lazy. Simply writing something down by no means ensures it will get done.
What we need is a personal organizer that goes to the next level and provides motivation. This could be in the form of a device that combines prerecorded voice messages and GPS technology. If you’re not in class, it sighs and starts reminding you how much your parents pay for tuition. If you try to skip the time you’ve budgeted for the gym, it launches into a public service announcement about the importance of physical fitness, perhaps narrated by the star of a popular TV crime show. If you aren’t doing your homework, it calls you a lazy bum and reminds you of your GPA. We’d have to put some sort of limit on the artificial intelligence, though. Nobody wants his PDA making fun of his clothes on the way out the door.
2) The Cell Phone to the Rescue. A cell phone can sometimes be a lifesaver in a situation — boring meeting, bad conversation — that you simply have to flee. Unfortunately, at the moment, such an escape depends upon another person actually calling you. If this doesn’t happen, you’re out of luck, unless you happen to be able to produce a convincing “vroom” noise with your lips and make other people think your phone is vibrating — a tricky bit of ventriloquism indeed.
Why not make the rescue call available on demand? A small motion sensor in a cell phone could be used to make it ring when shaken vigorously inside your pocket. Instantly, you have a guaranteed ticket to freedom. Of course, there would have to be some way to deactivate this feature, particularly for those of us whose lifestyles involve significant amounts of hula dancing.
3) The Table Teleporter. OK, viable teleporter technology would probably have more important uses than moving stuff around the dining room table. But let’s not overlook how handy this would be. For one thing, Thanksgiving dinner would no longer have to resemble a pileup in football, with everybody grabbing in the center for this and that; instead, the green beans and sweet potatoes could zip across the table again and again with ease — hopefully with a twinkly sound effect each time.
Also, it would eliminate those awkward times when one wants to have something passed but is simply embarrassed to ask for it: “Why do you want the mayonnaise? We’re eating Thai food!” I’m sure this was something that the “Star Trek” characters wanted to have but simply couldn’t fit into their budget.
4) Telepathic GPS. It’s a well-known fact that men hate asking for directions. In some rare cases, this is because of an intense and irrational fear of strangers, but it’s usually all about maintaining one’s pride and dignity. This even extends to GPS systems, because buying one can seem like the same sort of admission that you lack a sense of direction.
So let’s make the GPS telepathic! You hide it under your seat, and your significant other never has to know. It just knows where you want to go and gets you there. Just make sure you never daydream about your ex’s apartment — or large cliffs.
I will be shocked if I discover that these suggestions don’t lead to the creation of at least a couple endowed chairs at major research universities. These are some real priorities here! Sure, solar energy sounds good on paper. But even if we find a cheap way to harness that energy, in a couple billion years the sun will burn out, and we’ll be back where we started. Before we blow the whole budget on a quick fix like that, it makes sense to make at least a little investment in the good life. In the meantime, pass the mayonnaise, please.
Matt’s column runs biweekly Wednesdays. He can be reached at m.waring@cavalierdaily.com.
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