Here’s a fun fact for the day: Did you know British singer Amy Winehouse is still alive and kicking? As preposterous as that might sound, given her known penchant for drugs, alcohol, drugs and, well, more drugs, it is indeed true. Most recently, a British tabloid, The Sun, reported that a top executive from Mrs. Winehouse’s — yes, she’s still married to her incarcerated husband — record label flew down to the Caribbean island where she is currently residing. This got us thinking: What kind of advice would a label executive dish out to Amy in her current state? To be honest, it will probably be something quite boring, but we here at tableau have a few of our own ideas. If anyone has Mrs. Winehouse’s current address, please let us know, and we will pass these suggestions along to her.
Move to Siberia: Trying to escape the notoriously persistent and degrading British tabloids, Amy had the right idea by moving away for a long vacation. But moving to St. Lucia, a popular tourist site where no one will have any problem finding her ... well, that was not so smart. Moving to Siberia would guarantee massive amounts of privacy and with few extracurricular activities available, maybe Mrs. Winehouse would be forced to write a song or two.
Get Endorsed: They say the only way to kick an addiction is to find another one, so we suggest Amy clean up her act and get Coca-Cola to make her its newest spokesperson. This way, she will get all the free Coke she could want and hopefully keep herself away from the real thing.
Dinner with Michael Jackson: A mere five minutes with the former King of Pop would drive anyone to want to straighten his or her life out, so a full five-course meal with him should definitely drive Amy back to sanity — even if only because of the fear that she is seemingly on her way to becoming just as weird and eccentric in as bad a way as Jackson is. Skeptics may scoff at this Bush-esque use of scare tactics, to which we reply: Drastic times call for extremely drastic measures.
A Vow of Celibacy: It is impossible to blame only one person for Amy’s downfall, but if we had to, our finger goes straight toward Blake Fielder-Civil, Amy’s incarcerated husband. Rumored to have introduced her to many drugs and put her on the destructive path she’s been traveling for ages, Fielder-Civil has been nothing but bad news for Amy. A vow of celibacy is the only available option in our opinion, as it would mean little to no interaction with the opposite sex, and — considering her history — this can only be a good thing.
Kidnap Mark Ronson: For those of you who do not know, Ronson is the producer extraordinaire who crafted Amy’s worldwide best-selling album Back to Black. If there is to be any hope that Amy can have a productive future, Ronson is definitely a key ingredient in that recipe. We highly doubt any producer would willingly work with Amy after the year she has had, so kidnapping is the only remaining option. Granted, a move to Siberia may not be on Ronson’s current schedule, but we think the ends might justify the means.
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