Being a wise, wise boy with all the answers, people ask me a lot of questions. Often, I’m called in as an unbiased, super-smart third party to end bitter debates. For instance, in the debate between me and my friend Lesley about whether her blue vest made my eyes bleed, I called myself in as an unbiased, super-cute third party.
It turns out that I agreed with myself — Lesley, your blue vest belongs on a lumberjack. But not everyone can be supplied with my awe-inspiring great nuggets o’ wisdom in person, so I’ve decided to use this column to finally end the universe’s greatest debates once and for all.
DEBATE NUMBER ONE: Best classic Disney movie
Obviously, “High School Musical” would win any Disney contest (or any movie contest for that matter), but we’re debating about those classic animated films that gave you unrealistic hopes for love, made you consider marrying a really hairy guy if he had a big house, and made nasty, stray dogs canoodling over spaghetti in an alleyway precious.
But really there were only four good ones: “The Lion King,” “Beauty and the Beast,” “Aladdin” and “The Little Mermaid.” I’ve written term papers about “The Little Mermaid” for two of my classes in the College, so I’m an expert — simmer down. “The Lion King” loses right off the bat because the only good thing it had going for it was JTT voicing Simba, and “Aladdin” had a better 80s/90s sitcom child star voice a character – none other than Steve from “Full House” donchaknow.
“Beauty and the Beast” also loses right off the bat, because the Beast was ugly and Belle was a geek — remember when she saw that library and got way too excited? Nerd alert! “The Little Mermaid” has the best songs (just deal with it), and I’ve always wanted to ram a boat into an octopus lady, but “Aladdin” is the winner because he has better sidekicks.
What did Ariel have? A wussy fish with obvious self-esteem issues, a crab (I have tons of those!) and a seagull with poor depth-perception. Aladdin had a magical genie, flying carpet and a kleptomaniac monkey. Abu was the best, so Aladdin wins. I just wish I had an Abu shirt to wear for my first-grade portrait instead of that much less awesome, but still pretty awesome, Aladdin shirt.
DEBATE NUMBER TWO: MK versus Ash
Speaking of “Full House,” let’s not pretend I watched it for any reason other than the snarky lines from Michelle. Just like everyone, I’m sure, I own all of The Olsen Twin movies — the one where they got kidnapped at Christmas, the one where they became witches and, of course, the hour-long commercial for the Mall of America — that was cinematic genius.
But as with any set of twins, one twin must be better than the other. With most twins, one is the looks and one is the brains. For instance, if I had a secret evil twin, I know he’d be really, really smart.
Now you might throw a hissy fit and whine, “But Steve! They’re twins! How can MK be prettier?” And to that, dear ignorant reader, I say you’re gonna need to take a chill pill. I don’t need ugly, ignorant readers for my column — just go back to the Sports section where you came from.
One of my friends decided this debate was simple: “Obvi MK. She’s skinnier.” It’s definitely points for MK, but she also gets in fights with Paris Hilton, has ADD (the cutest of all learning disorders), had a stint on “Weeds,” and was “friends” with Heath Ledger before the whole death thing. What’s Ash done lately? Stay in school and date a fellow 90s has-been Jared Leto? Basically nothing worth bragging about. MK wins. Obvi.
DEBATE NUMBER THREE: Best television show now that “The Office” is boring
Lots of people would say “30 Rock.” And while that’s a cute option, and Tina Fey is, of course, the only good alumna from U.Va. (Benjamin McKenzie is the only good alumnus). Also, along with Z-Efron, I try to get my pals Tina and Ben into as many of my columns as possible. Anyhoo, the real winner is “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” My only goal in life is to be like the incompetent, lazy and self-serving sociopaths in the “gang.” Solving the oil crisis, setting each other on fire, staging rock operas for the people they stalk — all misadventures I want — no need — to be a part of ... pronto!
DEBATE NUMBER FOUR: Hanson versus the Jonas Brothers
Wait, there’s a difference? Three boys in their late teens, some members vaguely resemble girls, chastity vows, I own several of their CDs ... the list just goes on and on. Unfortunately, everyone in Hanson is old, and Taylor has like 50 kids now. They have to go to colleges to beg people to listen to their new, mellow tunes. Well, I’m not buying it. The Disney Channel told me to love the Jonas Brothers, and I will. And there will be heck to pay if Duffy steals that Grammy from my ‘bros.
DEBATE NUMBER FIVE: Star Wars versus Star Trek
In public, this debate can only have two possible outcomes if you’re trying to preserve your glamorous social status as a non-geek. Neither involves picking Star Trek. Outcome one is you say Star Wars is better. Outcome two is you say neither and push the geek who asked you. Star Wars introduced us to Natalie Portman of SNL-rapping video fame and Harrison Ford of fedora-wearing fame and most importantly it gave me my excuse for standing in front a fan for hours as a kid going “Luke, I am your fatherrrr.” Just kidding, I still do that now.
I only saw that one Star Trek movie where they go back in time to 80s San Fran and save whales, but J.J. Abrams — y’know the guy who did “Felicity,” “Alias,” the second-best Mission Impossible movie and that show about an island that got old after a season — is directing the new movie. I’m def going opening night. I am, however, bringing my camera to take mocking photos of the dweebs who will undoubtedly dress up. Then I will tag them on Facebook with obscene and cruel comments.
That is the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek geeks. People who like Star Wars know to usually keep the outfits at home and just leak viral videos of themselves with a broomstick/lightsaber onto YouTube. Star Wars wins.
DEBATE NUMBER SIX: Pro-life versus it’s a child, not a choice
Oops, ran outta space.
Steve’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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