As the Jack Parkmans of professional baseball saunter into clubhouses larger than many-a-homeless shelter on the last day to report for spring training — Sunday Feb. 22 for Ye of Little Faith — there are many players for whom ‘spa’ will continue to mean a jacked boat-engine churning tap water in a rusty wash basin.
Where will these Pedro Cerranos and Crash Davises hang their cleats at days’ end, knees throbbing like the neon lights of Vegas against the bone-old desert?
(By the way, if you haven’t seen “Major League” or “The Sandlot,” ask your friend about these references and the ones splattered throughout this column. And then go watch both.)
Free agency for at least one professional athlete has meant finding a one-room, grass hut and smoking himself into oblivion (thank you, Ricky Williams). Most professional athletes, however, seem unable to give up the game that easily. Whereas team purses tighter than Chuck Norris’ fists find some players going from five Bentleys to just four (though the smell of that new Lexus sticks with me — just like the tingle of that first needle!) for some players relative thrift means something more approachable: hitting the job trail.
And without a team, these players provide their own training facilities — unless, among other options, the players’ union puts together an all-free agent spring training team. Either way, the whole thing would look something like “The Sandlot.”
I have taken the liberty, though, of putting together a potential 25-man roster based on the players still available as of Feb. 22. As a former catcher, I am partial to the Human Backstops of baseball, so we’ll start there.
Three vets — each probably about three seasons from Jake Taylor circa the first Major League — will put their manhood on the line, but Ivan Rodriguez wins out the starting job because of his remarkable defense. In 2005 and 2006 he threw out more than half his attempted base stealers, and J.T. Snow still has not gotten up from that collision with Rodriguez at the plate in Game Four of the 2003 National League Division Series. Rodriguez also presents a better all-around offensive option than Paul Lo Duca, who beats out Javy Lopez even though the Nationals just released Lo Duca — which is comparable to being cut from the Virginia men’s basketball team.
The situation at first base comes down to, first, whether Mia Hamm wants to let her man back on the field. Despite the fact that it takes him five minutes to put on his batting gloves and he hasn’t played a full season since 2003, Nomar Garciaparra seems the better choice than Richie Sexson, whose second career option seems to be lumberjack — during the 2003 All-Star Game Sexson used a 44-inch bat that weighed 71 ounces. (Can you say, warhammer?) Plus, everyone seems to love Garciaparra except for Yankees fans, and seeing as how they just bought this year’s AL All-Star team, they have no room to complain.
The wheel in the team’s double-play tandem will be The Sugarman Ray Durham, though Durham’s average defense should prompt the team to keep around defensive stalwart Mark Grudzielanek as a middle infield option. As long as Durham doesn’t foul another ball off the plate and back up at Little Ray-Ray, he should have enough gas from those early 2000s seasons left in the tank to bat leadoff or in the two-hole.
The free agent choices for the Hot Corner are slim, but if you want a guy who just doesn’t quit, Damion Easley takes the cake. It has now been a decade since he made the All-Star team with Detroit, and though his career average hovers just above .250, the guy deserves the chance to make the postseason. As of the close of the 2008 season Easley held the record among active players for the most games played without a postseason appearance (1,706, or his entire career).
The fulcrum of the middle infield will be former White Sox player Orlando Cabrera, who seems to still have a few good years left at the six-spot. Cabrera plays hard-nosed defense and brings speed, discipline and a knack for getting across the plate. Cabrera, however, carries his assertive nature off the field as well. He butted heads with former coach Ozzie Guillen, and, at times, called the press box to argue whether that laser up the middle that pushed off his glove was really an error.
If you have not been impressed with this team so far, the outfield picks up the slack, and continues the odd personalities. In left, the Clown King of baseball: Manny Ramirez. It boggles my mind why a team has not yet been able to sign Ramirez, but I guess it’s just Manny being Manny. Ramirez is a hitting savant, making something extremely difficult — a batter has four-tenths of a second to hit an average major league fastball, which is less time than it takes to blink — look oh so easy. The problem will be, without Big Papi around, can Manny’s inner child stay focused?
The rest of the outfield — certainly not bereft of characters — will platoon four guys through two positions depending on health and consistency. Moises Alou will bring odd habits — rather than using batting gloves, he urinates on his hands to alleviate calluses — and hopefully a thorough calisthenics routine to deal with those aching joints. Between him and Jim Edmonds, who would take the job in center field, the team should have enough healthy parts for a whole player. Plus, Endy Chavez still has yet to overtake Edmonds as baseball’s Highlight Reel, and the team needs someone to take attention from the scoreboard.
Two former Blue Jays complete the outfield: Jose Cruz, Jr. and Shannon Stewart. Cruz may be far removed from his 30/30 days in Toronto, but perhaps he can channel his pent-up anger at the Bellair, Texas police — for being arrested seven years ago — into his game. Stewart brings clutch hitting — he has the dubious honor of breaking up not one but two no-hitters with late-game hits — and good enough defense to fill out the platoon.
Lo Duca and outfielder Luis Gonzalez — whose bloop single took the 2001 World Series from the Yankees — will make the team as utility players. Gonzalez seems the right choice to head publicity and party planning, having founded IsTalking, L.L.C., a company that develops social networking Web sites for college students. Even if this old timers’ team doesn’t win many games, the players can fight boredom updating their statuses.
The last offensive addition would certainly not be the least: The Big Hurt himself, Frank Thomas. As the designated hitter and back-up first baseman, Thomas would provide the yin to Ramirez’s yang — and if you have not, check out his pillow fight commercial. I think I would actually pay to see Ramirez and Thomas hit back-to-back, especially for the look on some rookie’s face as they watch him warm up. Mmm, fresh meat.
On the other side of the ball, plenty of big names now on the downslide will take the mound. The staff ace has to be Ben Sheets — an absolute fantasy stud who boasts one of the best strikeout-to-walk ratios in the game — if and when he can stay healthy. Every year some different body part breaks or bends the wrong the way, but, even without great run support, Sheets pitches his heart out. For example, in 2004, Sheets went 12-14 for the Brewers, which doesn’t sound so great, but he boasted a 2.70 ERA, 264 strikeouts in 237 innings while giving up only 32 walks and 25 home runs. That’s Cy Young stuff right there.
The important No. 2 slot will be filled by one of the true artists of pitching: Pedro Martinez. Despite his abrasive personality — he likes to keep things high and tight on and off the field — Martinez has come to understand how to pitch successfully with several different styles, something only the Braves’ Holy Trinity of Saints John Smoltz, Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux seem to have perfected in recent memory. The struggle for Martinez will be staying focused — and avoiding scandals like hosting cockfighting tournaments and bumrushing senile, geriatric bench coaches — with the Brothers Hernandez hanging around. Although Livan Hernandez just signed a minor league deal with the Mets, you can bet with half-brother Orlando filling in at the bottom of the rotation Livan will be around to raise plenty of ruckus. Although El Duque has had some monster Octobers, his real age always remains a concerning mystery, which makes my next choice, Kenny Rogers, look young in comparison.
Rogers and Martinez present the core of a solid rotation, provided Rogers doesn’t spend too much time breaking cameras and generally harassing the media and other teams. While it will be nice to have some enforcers, a few more players, like starter Paul Byrd — who is taking off the beginning of the 2009 season to be with his family — may not be such a bad thing. Completely throwing that sentiment to the wind, however, the No. 5 starter would have to be another spark plug: Jose Lima. It may take some cajoling to get Lima time away from his minor league team and to put his dream of becoming a professional singer on hold, but I think his spice for life will help make the clubhouse’s Bengay aroma less burdensome.
For a team of aging craftsman, having a bullpen with some longevity seems like a must, and for this team, several former closers and two failed starters fit the bill. Relief in the early and middle innings will come from Aruba native and knight Sidney Ponson — if Ponson can keep the weight off and look less like a pontoon than a major league pitcher. On Ponson’s off days, former starter Shawn Chacón will take the mound. Chacón gets included here because of the bizarre 2004 season, in which he finished ninth in the NL with 35 saves while compiling a horrendous 1-9 record and 7.11 ERA. His experience as both a starter and closer makes him a high-risk yet flexible option, and both Ponson and Chacon could fill in for an injured starter.
Three former closers — though former closers seem dime-a-dozen these days — will get this team from the sixth to the ninth: Keith Foulke, Joe Borowski and Mike Timlin. With the addition of Julian Tavarez, it seems the baseball gods want to bring as many former Red Sox players together as possible. Timlin — who holds the record for most appearances by a right-handed relief pitcher in MLB history — will provide the cement for this bullpen, keeping Borowski and Foulke from funking it up too much. Lord knows Borowski knows how to blow a save.
And the man brave enough to lead this team of infamy? I nominate The Mayor. Recently retired All-Around Good Guy Sean Casey seems like the kind of player destined for managerial greatness, and what better way to kick that off than with a bunch of guys on their way out?
If anything, it would be a blast spittin’ Red Man, going to carnivals and dishing the babes at the local pool. What better way to spend your spring than with the Boys of Summer?
Read More
No. 24 women’s soccer not to be denied in late win over Clemson
By Sam Chun | 2 hours agoThe Cavaliers topped Clemson 1-0 in front of a packed out Klöckner Stadium.
Men’s soccer, totally discombobulated, capitulates early to No. 5 Pittsburgh
By Michael Liebermann | 3 hours agoPittsburgh set a program record for the quickest cluster of three goals.
No. 4 field hockey shut out for first time of season in defeat at No. 2 North Carolina
By Eleanor Lynch | 16 hours agoThe Cavalier offense had its worst outing of the season as they were once again defeated by the rival Tar Heels.
