Yay, yay one more week until the University cancels class! Finally we can ditch the academic bulimia of regurgitating answers onto Scantrons and go back to the normal kind to get ready for Beach Week, lol*.
I know some of you guys are super upset that Spring Break is coming. I mean there are a lot of reasons this break is bad. There are no holidays so you can’t look forward to one of those mass unspecific Merry Textmas messages — I even got one for Thanksgiving, which we all know isn’t even a real holiday — it’s just a festive fat-packing party constructed by NAAFA (Google them — it’s pure evil and I will not publicize them by un-acronyming them).
It’s also bad because that GD groundhog saw his flipping shadow so our Spring Break is an icy mockery. Luckily, I’m doing my part by driving my Hummer a lil’ more than usual to speed up global warming. And don’t gimme that “But the environment, Steve!” hippie nonsense because the one thing I’ve learned from “Lost” is that polar bears can live in Hawaii, so who needs the icebergs now, Al Gore?
Any time we’re away from school is pretty bad in my book. I get super textually frustrated. Why won’t so-and-so return my text? For me, the answer always turns out to be so-and-so was off in some foreign country like North Carolina and couldn’t get reception. But for some of you, Poorna, it means when we don’t have to see you in class, we don’t have to waste our texts on you. Oh, did I say texts? Silly me, obvi I’m rich in minutes, texts and good looks. I meant my time — lol*, you’re wasting it.
Speaking of losers, one good thing about breaks is you can readjust your hello list. When walking around Grounds and you pass someone, you know you have them ranked: the good ones you say hello to and the undesirables you give a pity half-smile that’s the silent way of saying “Don’t you dare talk to me, and I swear if you even think of bringing up that we should hang out, I’m gonna drop this gem of a shutdown: ‘we should do lunch sometime maybe when my schedule settles down cuz you know me I’m so busy, busy, busy and by ‘busy’ I hope you realize I’m saying more important and popular than you and furthermore subtly suggesting that you are not important or popular (lol*) and your copious amounts of free time are a direct result of your fugly neediness” — all in a half-smile. Anyway, the point is, after being away from Grounds for a week, you’ve totally got the chance to bump people down from the hello list without it seeming totes abrupt.
“OMG Steve, you’re such a Debbie Downer, the only positive thing about Spring Break is getting to drop some losers?” And to any dorky UTS bustard that points that out to me with his/her it-was-funny-in-high-school “SNL” references, I a) tell them to simmer down now and b) say, no silly goose, there are tons of gr8 things about Spring Break.
You can finally do something good for the world! And yep, I’m talking about ASB. Finally you can change that boring Facebook profile pic from your glamorous New Year’s Eve party and upgrade to a picture of you posing with the young and impoverished (lol*) — but still photogenic and precious! No, seriously, the only international service organization I support is Clowns without Borders (Google that, too, yo). It’s like Doctors without Borders except instead of providing life-saving healthcare or just donating the thousands they’re wasting in airfare, lol*, they provide the needy of the world with circus-themed hilarity!
If you want to skip the new Facebook photos that show how caring you are and instead go right to the photos that scream ‘drinking problem,’ there’s only place to go, yo! Well, actually the only place I wanna go is Australia so I can give a kangaroo or two the ol’ Australian death grip, but that’s more a summer thing. Anywho, I thought since we all loved T.J., the cool thing would be to go to T.J. (Tijuana for you dorks that didn’t see that episode of “The O.C.” when Marissa made passing out in a T.J. alley from a tequila and pain pill overdose cool.) Now I’ve learned everyone thinks the cool Mexican hotspot is Cabo. Here’s a tip for you newbs going to Cabo. You think they went to a broke college kid all-inclusive resort when they went to Cabo in “Laguna Beach?” False. You think Jennifer Aniston celebrated her movie doing better than Angie’s movie in Cabo at that craphole you’re spending Spring Break?
Another reason not to go anywhere is because here I can do tons of the things I can never do when you’re here judging me. By tons, I’m only talking about one thing. Babysitting some kid for the sole excuse of getting into Chuck E. Cheese’s, the home of whacking moles, eating pizza that tastes even more like cardboard than Domino’s and stealing kids’ tickets (lol*) to finally get that elusive pen that writes in 10 different colors — so many colors but just one pen! No, but really I’m just there for the live music scene done by a diverse band of animatronic animals — infinitely better than a diverse band of animatronic kids, aka that NSFL geography-ignorant disharmonic disaster “It’s a Small World.” Even Scar from “The Lion King” hated that song/ride.
Plus with all my ample free time now that I don’t have to keep up on my current shows to stay afloat in conversations — I swear if you miss ONE episode of “Gossip Girl,” I can’t even talk to you — I can now spend my time leisurely marathoning. I may or may not have bought the full series of “Full House” and I may or may not be planning on spending 76 straight hours watching every episode in a row. I will soon be fluent in every your-mom-died-but-hey-now-you’ve-got-two-creepy-uncles-inspired group hug, every wisecrack from that mouthy Michelle, every anti-Kimmy jab (even though she is still a neon-colored fashion icon) and every compulsive cleaning scene with Danny (when we now know he should’ve been cleaning his dirty mouth instead of his Dutch oven).
Other fun possible SB plans include: working (but ew, you’re poor!), doing homework (but ew, what are you, a first year!?) or spending the week with your family (it’s a good time to let them know that you’re moving in with them indefinitely after graduation because of the economy and not at all because I skip all my classes to watch hilarious late 1980’s sitcoms).
*Lol theory — A legitimate sociological theory that one can embed the AIM-acro for laugh-out-loud in any sentence no matter how evil and inappropriate said sentence is and suddenly make it totes presh.
Steve’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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