I live in a house with nine other girls. It’s not the pillow-fight-in-your-underwear-type of house, but we do have a penchant for not doing our schoolwork. During such occasions, I gather fodder for my column. The approach and passing of Valentine’s Day provided me with a wealth of information. Of course, such a holiday as this one brings the usual laments of gift giving, receiving or awareness that there will be a lack of both. Laments then lead to tales of failure, and tales of failure increase my awareness that there are some things that should be known to the general public. So, if you are hoping to snag a Valentine’s Day date for next year, read this list of what not to do.
One of the girls in the house, who shall remain nameless, had an interesting dating experience this fall. Everything seemed to be pretty cool about the guy, except maybe the beginnings of baldness on the crown of his head. By the third date, she felt it was time to tell her giddy and dating-obsessed lab partner about this new guy. After a conversation full of revelation, realization, confusion, disgust and then laughter, the lab partner affirmed that my housemate had been dating a married man — who also happened to have kids. Strike one. Strike two. Strike three.
Do not buy a girl fake flowers, ever. The boyfriend of my housemate bought her favorite flowers in plastic. He thought — because they would last longer — that they would be nicer for her. A sweet thought, but there is something much sweeter about receiving a gift that will die and crumble soon after you receive it. Fake flowers aren’t really a deal breaker ... They are just a mistake that only a long-term boyfriend can afford to make.
Another absolute don’t is wearing a dragon T-shirt. Ten out of the 10 girls in my house agreed that a shirt with a dragon on it is a deal breaker. Nine out of the 10 girls said that a “World of Warcraft” shirt also is a deal breaker. So, to you WoW fans out there, rest assured that there is at least one girl who doesn’t find your obsession to be a complete turn-off.
Smoking is another deal breaker — but that one is so obvious that I don’t even have to get into it.
My vertically-challenged housemate claims that it is a deal breaker if the boy is shorter than you. I disagree, being rather tall. But it would probably be a deal breaker for me if the guy was shorter than she is.
If he has questionable hair on his face, such as one eyebrow or a sketchy mustache consisting of six strategically placed hairs, there will not even be a first date.
If the ex comes into conversation before the third date, consider the fourth date blasted into oblivion.
I once went to a dance with a guy that I barely new from one of my classes. He showed up wearing a deerskin shirt. We went out to eat at the mall before the dance, and then he took me to the arcade for a little after-dinner entertainment. We played “Deer Hunter.” Then, at the dance, he used his “Dance Dance Revolution” skills to wow me. All of the above are deal breakers.
One of my housemates is currently dating someone who, another housemate said, was a real creeper in high school. The rest of us are watching in anticipation — we hope that he hasn’t changed much and will soon reveal to her the science fiction novel about a colony of arctic griffins that he is writing by the light of his lava lamp. But perhaps this kid has read the list of deal breakers and will refrain from any of the above. That would greatly decrease my amusement, but it might increase his.
So there you are — a comprehensive list of deal breakers from 10 girls. Take note so you have a better Valentine’s Day next year.
Maggie’s column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at m.jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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