In life, so many choices come in pairs. Whenever Sunday comes around, we have to decide between getting reading done for the week or downing dollar pitchers at the Virginian. We have to choose between studying at Alderman or Clemons. Between Big Macs and Whoppers. Smoking or non. Paper or plastic. Plus or Cav. The list goes on and on. We constantly have to make up our minds.
Similarly, we have to pick sides on the feuds of Hollywood. Because these topics arise in so many conversations, it’s necessary to possess some understanding about the two celebrities, as well as any other affected parties, like love interests or shared children.
One of the timeliest celebrity disputes is the one between Jay-Z and Chris Brown, who abused girlfriend Rihanna before the Grammys. Because Rihanna is one of Jay-Z’s protégés — and because the rap industry resembles the mafia — he is taking issue with Brown. To be honest, who can blame him? Domestic abuse is not only despicable, but it’s so 1950s; I guess Brown missed the whole “girl power” memo of the Spice Girls era and forgot we had a woman almost win the presidential nomination. Plus, we obviously support Rihanna because without her, our iPod playlists would be half as long. Unlike most celebrity feuds, this one has a clear winner.
A much tougher match to call is the one between Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Only the fight’s cause, Brad Pitt, is certain. For anyone who’s seen “Legends of the Fall,” it’s obvious why people would fight for his affection. But which actress deserves it? It’s tough to compete with Angelina. Not only has every pointless magazine named her the most beautiful woman in the world, but she’s an acclaimed actress and political activist. Jen, however, is undeniably lovable. On top of her enviable smile, she has that indefinable quality that makes everyone want to be her “Friend.” Wow, I really crack myself up. Still, I think Jolie wins. Aniston’s rebound with entire-generation-younger John Mayer makes her look pretty desperate. Moreover, while Angelina has raised charity and borne the most beautiful child to ever grace the planet, all Jen has given us is the “Rachel” and some mediocre chick flicks.
This column would be incomplete without mentioning the war between LC and Heidi, with whom we’re on a first-name basis. I use the term “celebrity” here loosely, given that I’m not at all sure why these girls are “celebrated.” If you think you need to watch “The Hills” to keep up with this contest, you’re sorely mistaken. I haven’t watched the show in more than a year but can still give you a 30-second recap: Girls sit around a table in a dark nightclub and glare at each other. OK, so it only took four seconds, which is equivalent to the length of the show without commercials. Though I’m not exactly positive, I’ll go out on a limb and say this fight is about boys, fame, whose nose job is better or some hybrid of the three. Though LC is the more famous of the two, I think she loses. She’s one of those girls always involved in a fight — or “drama,” to quote the eloquent lexicon of MTV. This quality was acceptable during her high school years on “Laguna Beach,” but not anymore. Time to grow up, LC.
One last celebrity feud I’ll address is the argument between Katherine Heigl and the Judd Apatow gang. After starring in Apatow’s hit “Knocked Up,” Heigl called the film anti-feminist in a magazine interview. Firstly, I’m not convinced she knows the definition of “feminist”; her character is successful and ambitious, while the film’s male roles forgo jobs for a life of pot smoking and ping pong. She also should be a little more grateful because before this role she was just the obligatory “hot” nurse/friend on “Grey’s Anatomy.” And of course, the Apatow gang wins because its portfolio of movies — including “Superbad” and “The 40-Year Old Virgin” — is a testament to the fact that they can do no wrong.
Though significant, these celebrity feuds are hard to keep pace with. The weekly tabloid cover may change your loyalties. Also, some celebrities can’t stay away from controversy; the cast of “The View” changes weekly because of catfights masked as political issues. Really, we never know what will be considered the Jackie v. Marilyns or Lynyrd Skynyrd v. Neil Youngs in the future.
Abby’s column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at a.coster@cavalierdaily.com.
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