Time is a crazy thing. When people say there are always 60 seconds in a minute and 24 hours in a day, I nod and smile but secretly disagree. I have personally experienced days that lasted for seconds and more than my share of brief, awkward interactions that stretched on for millennia.
Because we all know that personal observation and peer review are two components of any good theory, and because calculations can be fudged — that’s how I passed third grade — I’m convinced I’m right. Not to mention, math is out to ruin our lives.
I have collected my own evidence to overturn commonly held assumptions regarding the passage of time, in case you are still not convinced that time travel is possible. If Pluto can all of a sudden stop being a planet, I think I have a pretty good shot.
Two weeks ago, I wrote about living at home and waiting for something that felt like it would never come. It’s now two weeks later — or so they say — and like finals week, my trip to Peru has snuck up out of nowhere. My ambitious “to do” list is only about halfway completed and some of the most important tasks — relearn Spanish and read every encyclopedia entry ever written about Lima — are still not checked off. Now that I have my flight information, vaccinations and a new camera, things are moving at warp speed. Now that I have to count in weeks (three) or days (21), it’s all becoming too real too quickly.
While most people would get started on such a list ASAP, I’m not a huge fan of reality. So to remedy the situation I’m going to build a time machine.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to do it alone — mostly because every piece of technology that I touch turns to dust — but also because I need a business partner to pay for the Angora rabbit fur couches and full coffee bar that I plan to have inside. I’ve studied movies on the topic extensively and have a blueprint in my head. Though I have some smart friends in the Engineering School, I’m afraid they would be too focused on Newton’s Laws to help me plan the Chris Brown shrine in the entryway.
Because Chris is busy, I had to find another sponsor and have decided that his collaborator T-Pain will be a perfect match. His credentials are as impressive as his song aptly titled “Time Machine,” a song on his 2007 top-of-the-charts album, “Epiphany.” So, I know he’s done his research and, honestly, I don’t want to get in a fight because he would probably be embarrassed by the publicity my victory might generate. With his creative energy, money and connections — to Chris Brown — though, plus my ability to boss people around, experience watching TLC home makeover shows and slightly unhealthy obsession with CB, the project is on track to be completed on a tight deadline. Once everything is finished, T can remember to renew his driver’s license early enough to avoid jail time, and I can use the two days I spent watching the “America’s Next Top Model” marathon to learn the pluscuamperfecto tense.
While T is in the past trying to decide whether to include the hateful song “Karaoke” on his most recent album — I tell him not to — I would be making equally important decisions.
1. Not writing my last column, in which I stated that I had plenty of time to do things like homework. I visited friends at the University during the weekend and spent the whole time dodging deathly laser stares and repeated offers to write their lab reports on the properties of Jell-O. In my extreme state of boredom, I may have said that I wouldn’t mind having some reading to do or a test to study for, but that was not an offer to take on the tasks of my friends. Though it was an ego boost to know that people actually read my column, I now kind of wish they didn’t.
2. Studying abroad in a different location. I’m sure I will love Peru and I’m really excited to go there. But people routinely pray to Saint Christopher and instruct me to stay under house arrest eating freeze-dried food when they find out I’ll be in Lima. I met these people at bars — so I don’t really trust them — but people do seem genuinely concerned for my safety and sanity. So I would rather avoid the lengthy conversations about money belts and choose a more popular destination, like the Bahamas or North Korea.
Really, I think that’s it, though. I would travel forward in time to get a chip implanted in my brain that instantly translates any language in the galaxy and buy a bag like the one Mary Poppins uses that is very small but can hold coat racks and bird cages. Then I would reset my time machine to 2009 and teleport to Peru with my freeze-dried ice cream and my husband, Chris Brown.
Rachel’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at r.gottlieb@cavalierdaily.com.
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