It’s almost Valentine’s Day. Here’s a question: If a lonely loser cries herself to sleep with her Build-A-Bear and cat named Professor Cuddlekins, while watching “Hairspray,” does anyone hear her? Answer: I better not! I’m trying to hear Zac Efron musically woo an undeserving fatty.
As the most legitimate of holidays, Valentine’s Day can cause more stress for the ugly and awkward than when deciding what lie they’ll tell friends Monday about how they spent their Saturday nights — obvious choices are “I had a lot of homework to catch up on” or “I just hung out with the roomies” — which means they’re probably also ugly and probably spent the night eating their emotions and tipping the Domino’s delivery guy a little too much because he wasn’t that ugly and didn’t speak English that poorly.
But that doesn’t have to be your fate! Just read my sage answers to these ignorant, doomed-to-die-alone romantics and learn a thing or two, yo!
QUESTION 1: Dear Steve, I asked out my crush of the past semester, and now we’re going to dinner! But I’m nervous because I don’t even know her that well. What should I do to alleviate my stress?
A: What? I don’t care what you do. Just text me the restaurant you guys are going to so I can go with some Pringles and watch this disaster. Ooh, I’ll keep points! One point for every awkward half-smile, two points for every overeager nod, three points for every failed conversation topic and one point for every five seconds of awkward silence.
QUESTION 2: Steve! I was working on my 109 Things to Do Before You Graduate list, so I’m going on my first official date ever! I need tips, bro!
A: First off, I’m not your bro. I’m not anyone’s bro — not even my sister’s — except if the Jonas Bros invited me to be a fourth, but that’s neither here nor there. Because you foolishly sent me a gender-unspecific question, now I’ve got to do twice the work and part with my sage dating advice for both the gurlz and the boiz! For all you SWAG majors, please don’t whine about me differentiating between the sexes and promoting heinous stereotypes. I’m talking about dates here, not something you’ll ever need to worry about.
Dating rules for the gents:
- Be as vague as possible. Are you guys friends? Friends with benefits? Prison pen pals? Student and teaching assistant? Women love an air of mystery, so if you’re thinking of defining the relationship (DTR) — don’t. Also, it’s not cheating if it’s not Facebook-official, holler!
- Don’t open the door, take her coat or any of that BS. The second you hold a door open, you’ve lost all the power and have relegated yourself to a relationship of movies based on Nicholas Sparks’ novels and dinners at Salad Creations.
- Definitely do not even reach for that check. Does she even know how expensive a PlayStation 3 is? Feel free to inform her. Don’t forget to mention how many video games you have, how much time you spend playing them and hey — maybe she can watch you play some time. She can’t play though — I mean, does she know how expensive extra controllers are? If she wanted to play, maybe she shouldn’t have gotten that McFlurry for dessert.
Dating rules for the ladies:
- You look needy if you try to define the relationship, although we all know that’s all you want because it’s step one: DTR; and step two: he puts a ring on it. So play it cool, yo. And by “cool,” I mean passive-aggressive. Constantly introduce him as, “This is Rick, my ... Umm,” and just look at him to fill in the answer. Also make sure he knows you guys could go to that party, but you think everyone else is just bringing their boyfriend/girlfriend, so you two couldn’t possibly go ... Or could you?
- When walking toward a closed door, just stop in front of it like you’ve never operated one before in your entire life until he gets it for you. You landed a man — your days of manual labor are over, sister!
- The passive-aggression doesn’t stop when you DTR, gurl. When the check arrives, of course you’d be happy to pay. I mean, you might not have enough money for that pilates class and bikini wax in time for the second date, but he’s into flabby cores and hair, right?
QUESTION 3: Dear Steve, I am in love with this personal trainer at my gym. He is my age, gorgeous and totes my type. Well, I think he’s my type, but we’ve probably only exchanged a maximum of like 10 words in our whole lives. Anyway, he’s always with this other woman, and I can’t tell if she’s a client, because they are rather touchy-feely sometimes. Do you think they’re dating? Or do you think I have the grounds to say an 11th word to him?
A: Even if he is dating that other girl, there’s only one thing more I need to know to decide if you have grounds to talk to him. Who’s cuter — you or her? Even if she’s cuter, gyms are dangerous places. Suppose “someone” offered to spot her while lifting, or the door handle on the sauna she was in broke off ... Accidents happen.
QUESTION 4: Dear Steve, so I was watching that chick flick of the week, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” and I’m starting to think my crush isn’t that into me! I checked our Facebook wall-to-wall, and 95 percent of the posts were from me! The only ones from him were where I had logged into his profile and wrote precious things on my own wall. Anyway, how can I get my crushee to love me back?
A: Normally, I think crushes and what is an obvious case of stalking are inappropriate and would never lower myself to discussing such things. But I can tell you’ve got a good head on your shoulders — good could be misleading here because I assume like all single people, you’re hideous, but you seem smart, because Facebook wall-to-walls are the hands-down best measurements of all relationships — so here are some tips to land that crush.
1. Ignore everything you learned from “Sixteen Candles.” You’re not Molly Ringwald — not even now that she’s aged poorly and lost all her awkward precociousness — so you can’t just wait around with a dork and sketchy Asian for that senior to bring you a birthday cake and make-out session. Unless your crush is in the Engineering School, then ask the dork and Asian for tips, because they probably have a class or two with him.
2. Remember the business model for “The Land Before Time” movies — quantity, not quality — when it comes to correspondence. Phone calls, texts (and when drunk, unsolicited sexts!) and folded-up notes in class with i’s dotted with hearts (subtlety is for cute people, remember) are just some examples. Of course, there’s also the holy Facebook trinity — wall posts, messages (it makes him feel like you’re keeping a big secret, which sends the right message that you’re not above being the secret slam piece on the side) and the coup de grace — pokes (which let him know you’re not a prude and happy to make things physical).
3. Watch out for competition. If you see someone pretending to care about his “Battlestar Galactica” analysis and ‘accidentally’ touching his arm, it’s time to put that skank in her place. Unfortunately, JuicyCampus is no longer around for you to spread vicious rumors about your enemies, but there’s still the tried and true method of bathroom stall warnings: Leslie buys her clothes at the Salvation Army — no, worse, Old Navy!
And if all that fails, remember, that’s what you get for having feelings. Feelings only are for the weak.
QUESTION 6: Dear Steve, I’m pretty sure this boy just hit on me, and I’m not interested but I’d like to be friends. What should I do?
A: Step one, get a clue. What has a friend ever bought you lately? A birthday card and a bag of candy you know was just lying on the floor? Don’t you have enough friends? It’s time to milk this boy for all he’s worth! Drinks, dinners, fine lynx coats (lynx is the new mink for all you plebs) ... You can’t take it too far. It’s socially uncouth for a man to ask for the ring back if you dump him after the engagement, so make sure he knows that a) you like diamonds, and b) his great-great-grandma’s wedding ring doesn’t fit your petite finger, because for some reason they usually — correctly — think it’s OK to ask for a family heirloom back.
Steve’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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