Do you like it when people like you? Are you sick of pretending to read a book at dinner so people think you are sitting alone on purpose? If so, follow my rules of etiquette. You may find that, after just a week of adjusting your conversation skills and manners, eyes won’t start to glaze over when you talk and you may even get to eat dinner with three or four people.
1. Do not talk about your dreams. I am not referring to aspirations but those unrealities that you experience while slumbering. A story about a dream is about as interesting as a story about a piece of white — not even whole grain — bread that sat on the counter all day, but it is worse because dreams aren’t real. No one cares. Every once in a while you will happen to have a specific kind of dream that we all — admit it — have. I think you know what kind of dream I am talking about. You can talk about those because they usually make someone blush.
2. Don’t ever enter into a conversation with friends about what names you like and what names you think are ugly/gross/dull people names. Chances are that one of their parents has such a distasteful name.
3. Don’t use the word PHAT. My housemate just did. It was very 1990s and not cool.
4. Don’t snot-rocket on someone. In case you aren’t aware of the finesse of the snot-rocket, I will describe it. Place one finger on one nostril and blow out of the other, unhindered nostril — the contents will likely shoot out faster than the speed of sound. I know this rule sounds pretty obvious, but it’s worth mentioning. As a sidenote, I recently realized that you cannot snot-rocket if you have a nose piercing — mine flew like a mini bullet out of my nose and into the atmosphere. I have not seen it since.
5. Don’t talk about a friend whom nobody else knows. So what if the person ran a marathon on his or her hands? Not only does no one care, but this reveals that you are not interesting enough to have stories about yourself to tell. Wow. That sounds a bit harsh. I guess a story about a person who ran a marathon on their hands might be OK...
6. You should not talk about yourself if it includes the words “sooo wasted.” I can’t tell you how boring it is to hear about how many drinks you had and who you puked on. It’s not like we haven’t heard that story a million times.
7. Don’t check someone out while running. This is actually more of a safety tip than an etiquette tip. Best case scenario: You trip and fall and get a big bruise. Worst case scenario: The person sees you while you are sweaty.
8. On a related note about running, if you are running with a friend and he or she sees a person that they are interested in — romantically — fall back and let them look like they are the faster of the two. That is what good friends do.
9. Don’t drunk text your parents, unless you are completely sure that you can do it with impeccable grammar.
10. Finally, if you must do any of the above or you just can’t help yourself, add a mullet or two into the mix. Any story about a mullet, any person running down the road with a mullet or anyone puking on a person with a mullet has instant charm. Mullets add the interest factor to any boring situation.
These rules may seem a bit harsh. And you may regret telling that story about your dream this morning — but you can redeem yourself. If you follow these little rules, you will make it through life alive and may even be quite popular.
Maggie’s column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at m.jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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