With all these high-profile, riveting tool-offs ... Um, I mean nail-biting (Anderson Cooper why!? See Debate Number Five) University elections coming up, once again impressionable children of all ages are seeking my sage opinions. Who will I endorse in my column — arguably the best column in The Cavalier Daily (see Debate Number Two)? But I’m not one of those Life columnists who will just throw journalistic ethics to the wind (once again see Debate Number Two, in which I name some columnists with looser standards) and I will, of course, consider all the candidates on all their merits — oh, and their crushingly tragic, but oh so mockable, faults. First, though, some more pressing debates need to be resolved once and for all.
DEBATE NUMBER ONE: Sasha Fierce versus Beyoncé
Obviously, Beyoncé will win this one, right? Listen, just because Mariah is no longer on fiah, and you need someone to fill that void in your life of an egomaniac with a wailing, high-pitched voice and questionable film career — and I’m not counting Justin Timberlake — doesn’t mean Beyoncé is that great.
I mean puhlease, I wear freakum clothes 24/7 and would be crazy in love if I landed a billionaire rapper, too. Here’s one thing I wouldn’t do: Star in a threequel that made me wear a fro and knee socks with Mike Myers beating a joke to death that died halfway through the first movie. How come no one makes fun of this? She’s not Obama — we can make fun of Beyoncé! Then she did it again and starred in “Pink Panther.” Oh, don’t remember that one? I wish I could forget!
Anyway, the alter ego Sasha Fierce has that dance on YouTube that everyone wishes they could do — that creepy hand/arm glove/ring, and don’t even get me started on those new “Diva” sunglasses. Kanye sunglasses are out and the Sasha Fierce sunglasses are in. Sasha Fierce for the win.
DEBATE NUMBER TWO: Best Cav Daily Columnist aka me versus some wannabes
This week I actually lowered myself to reading the other Life columns in this rag to, y’know, size up the competition. Things I saw included a Super Bowl column (which I wrote about a week ago) and Disney princesses (which I write about pretty much every week). Because I guess there are nooo rules for Life columnists about copying what the smarter and cuter kids do, I’ll just start copying someone, too.
Unfortunately, Anderson Cooper is too busy to write a column here — probably too busy laughing like a schoolgirl at Kathy’s shenanigans, or doing whatever his real job is, or that other thing which I can’t mention again. Without any real competition, I guess I don’t have a reason to start violating the honor code like the other Life columnists or like I did when I “found” this laptop. So until A.C. abandons CNN for the CD, I have to make the following shocker of a decision: Steve wins!
DEBATE NUMBER THREE: Best Jonas Bro
Last time, I debated the bros versus their 1990s blonde dopplegangers, Hanson. The bros obvi won — just like they’re gonna win that Grammy! But which bro is the best? Heck, I’ll even rank them. Kevin’s the worst (I’d even rank Zac Hanson higher than this old, pudgy-faced no-talent hanger-on), then Joe (who despite having his own Disney Channel Original Movie still looks like more of an elf than even Efron), then Nick. Nick wins.
DEBATE NUMBER FOUR: Best old-school Nickelodeon cartoon
This is just as topical as elections on account of SpringFest this year being Nickelodeon-themed! So I’m knocking “Aaahh!!! Real Monsters” out because if I wanted to watch people live in the dump, I’m sure there’s some TLC show about hobos. I’m also disqualifying “The Angry Beavers” because beavers are the poor man’s badger, and “Rugrats” because their voices are more annoying than a non-synthesized Kanye.
So the debate is “Doug” versus “Hey Arnold!”. Helga from “Hey Arnold!” made stalking and shrines comprised of discarded food waste socially acceptable. And I’ve never wept more than the time Stoop Kid — who’s afraid to leave his stoop — finally left his stoop — to beat up another kid. It was so touching. With Patti Mayonnaise, Doug gave us the most epic will-they-or-won’t-they before that whole Pam and Jim will-they-or-won’t-they-oh-they-did-OK-this-show-got-boring thing. Plus, Doug’s dog lived in an igloo! Precious!
That show, however, cursed Halloween — you know you have to be pretty sinister to curse the devil’s holiday — with lazy Doug costumes. Plus, that whole show was just a viral marketing effort by the Beet Farmers of America. Why did everyone eat beets? Why was the coolest band ever named The Beets? Listen, beet farmers, shameless propaganda cannot be tolerated! Go to Springfest! “Hey Arnold!” wins.
DEBATE NUMBER FIVE: Zac Efron versus Rob Pattinson
This debate was originally in my first debate column but it was twice as long as my entire column is allowed to be, so the “man” decided to cut it. If you think my columns should be allowed to be five times as long and/or daily and/or replace the entire sports page, send suggestions to editor@cavalierdaily.com.
Anyway, back to the important topic of Efron vs. R-Patz. These are obviously the two biggest celebs in the world — I mean, like all preteen girls, I only saw two movies last semester: “High School Musical 3” and “Twilight.” Well, in theaters anyway. I’m sure I’m not the only one who watches “Now and Then” pretty much every night just to ponder how in the world Christina Ricci becomes Rosie O’Donnell, but that’s neither here nor there.
Anyway, one of my blogs told me R-Patz got the lead in some historically-based flick, “Ohio,” instead of other crazy kids up for the role, including Efron and that not-really-that-famous guy from those genitals-in-a-package skits with Andy Samberg. Anyway, supposedly both of those rejects threw a hissy fit because “wha wha wha R-Patz isn’t even famous!”
You might be thinking this is points for R-Patz. False. I throw hissy fits on the hour every hour. I’ve thrown like five writing this column already because Wikipedia — where I get all my information from — took too long to load, because the “Fraggle Rock” movie doesn’t come out until 2011, because I didn’t get any friend requests on Facebook last night, because I just read that Anderson Cooper bites his nails — this is the biggest idol downfall since it was discovered that the best drug Michael Phelps can afford is pot — and because I ran out of Aderall ... Wait, what was I talking about?
Oh, right: Zac Efron gets points because we both throw hissy fits. R-Patz gets points for somehow taking “Twilight” seriously even when revealing that his dark vampire secret of why he avoids the sunlight is because his skin “sparkles.” If my skin sparkled, to get me to leave the sun, you’d have to drag me indoors and/or bribe me with a box of Dunkaroos. I did rewatch the fourth “Harry Potter” after R-Patz hit it big with the vampire-loving future cat-lady crowd, though, and this time when he died, I only laughed a little.
Anyway, the point is who cares if R-Patz got cast in some historical drama? If R-Patz’s fans paid attention to history, they’d learn a lesson or two — like fat, pasty book-reading dorks with bad skin don’t have a future with “Harry Potter” or “High School Musical” alums. Their only future is tripping over a can of Chef Boyardee and then getting eaten by their 20 cats. Also, R-Patz cut off his only good feature — that unwashed, but magical forest of locks. Efron wins.
DEBATE NUMBER SIX: StudCo Prez
Much like the last debate, this should be largely based on who has the best hair. Oh, and who has the better name for SchrimpBlimp-esque future nicknames. Oops, ran outta space again.
Steve’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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