One thing you can say about this university is that we take our fitness seriously. I attribute this largely to the fact that there is a quote from Thomas Jefferson advocating our devotion of two hours every day to exercise — and anything Thomas Jefferson sanctions has to be a good idea. Indeed, I often wonder why the powers that be don’t try to fabricate Jefferson quotes to influence student behavior; maybe it’s because even the dumbest kid in class would never believe that Jefferson, as superhuman as he was, issued any farsighted prohibitions on things like using laptops in class.
But exercise we do, and frequently at that: If we went to the library anywhere near as often as we go to the gym, we’d probably all have straight As. I, too, enjoy having a regular gym routine. But the world of fitness isn’t all peaches and cream. There are some difficult choices to make.
To begin with, you have to choose which gym to go to. The AFC is the People’s Gym, drawing in a clientele of all shapes, sizes, genders and ages. There’s something there for everyone. Unfortunately, this also means that it’s often more packed than the lower bowl at a Springsteen concert. Being so inclusive has its downsides.
Then there’s Mem Gym. Mem usually is not quite as crowded. The thing about Mem is that it’s really not a place for mere mortals. The gents who frequent Mem Gym have legs like tree trunks and biceps that make you think you’re looking at a pair of flesh-colored floaties. The last time I went there, I felt like a tiny Gulliver in the land of the giant Brobdingnagians. On the other hand, if you have enough self-confidence, there’s no reason not to go there; just don’t get offended if one of your fellow exercisers starts bench-pressing you.
If neither of those options seems appealing, you can always try Slaughter or North Grounds. Of course, you’ll have to find them first, which is easier said than done. But if you do, they tend to be less crowded, which is a plus, because what most of us look for in a workout situation is relief from people looking at us. The ideal gym, I think, would have the lights turned out and you would just feel your way from machine to machine. Sure, once in a blue moon there would be a tragic treadmill accident, but on the whole it would probably be worth it.
Once you pick a gym and get there, what then? Pick a machine. One of my favorite machines is the elliptical trainer, which is probably not something I want to admit to. For a male, confessing to using an elliptical trainer is tantamount to getting caught watching Lifetime. The Men Don’t Use Ellipticals rule may be unwritten, but it is nonetheless a powerful social force. Check it out the next time you’re at the gym; it’s very rare to see a lone male on the ellipticals. More often, you will see no men on the ellipticals, or you will see two or more men, exchanging glances occasionally that say, “I’m here for you, buddy. We’re confident in our masculinity.”
The treadmill is another popular choice. I have to confess I’ve never liked treadmills. They remind me too much of a hamster wheel, allowing one to run and run but never get anywhere. Plus, I’m always scared that one of my loose shoelaces will end up getting caught in the mechanism, causing my body to be dragged down into some subterranean realm with the Mad Hatter chasing me around. A remote possibility, I admit, but hey, better safe than sorry.
Finally, one can lift weights. Most weight machines use weighted plates in increments of 15 pounds. This might be the most efficient way to do things but isn’t the most helpful feature in terms of boosting self-esteem. Depending on the machine, most of us can probably only lift a handful of plates. Why not make them really thin, weighing five pounds each? We could all leave the gym feeling like a latter-day Hercules. The other thing about the weight machines is that it’s always tempting to look back as you walk away from the machine to see what the next person does to the weight. If he or she decreases the weight, it feels pretty good. “You’re doing all right, champ,” you say to yourself. More often than not, however, the next person will snicker and increase the weight, which can make things increasingly awkward. It’s best to avoid eye contact after that.
I also recommend bringing your own music to the gym if you possibly can. The music selection provided by the facilities is adequate but somewhat repetitive. In particular, you are almost guaranteed to hear some Natasha Bedingfield. This has happened so many times to me at the gym that I can’t even hear her anymore without getting tired.
As long as we continue wanting to look good for each other, the gym will remain a popular haunt for students of all stripes. Whatever your tastes run to, be it the pool, the machines or the courts, the important thing is to bite the bullet and get in there. If I were you, though, I’d triple-knot my shoelaces before getting on the treadmill.
Matt’s column runs biweekly Wednesdays. He can be reached at m.waring@cavalierdaily.com.
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