What big day is coming up soon? No, lovebirds, you’re wrong: It’s not Valentine’s Day. Jetting off to Punta Cana, South Beach, or, if you have my amazing fortune, Northern Virginia, for Spring Break? Wrong again. Foxfield? Well, yes, but that’s a whole two-and-a-half months away. Of course, I’m referring to the Academy Awards.
OK, I’m completely kidding. A huge movie buff, even I’m not terribly excited that this ceremony is coming up Feb. 22. The show isn’t eventful like the VMAs, which are chock full of Britney Spears-Madonna liplocks and the like. Hosts also have gone downhill; long gone are the days of Chris Rock. This year, we have Hugh Jackman. Really? Wolverine? Can we just give this gig back to Steve Martin and save him from his stint as the Pink Panther? But beyond the lack of antics, the Academy Awards fail on the grounds that the show honors the wrong movies. Though the little golden man is highly coveted in Hollywood, I believe that most years the winners are highly undeserving.
This year is proving to be no different. I saw “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” but the only thing I left the theater curious about was exactly why I remained in my seat for three-and-a-half hours. The movie is slow and pointless, and Brad Pitt is an old, decrepit, wrinkly man for the overwhelming majority of it. Though I may not be a good judge, considering I haven’t seen the other nominees, I doubt they are best picture-worthy. “The Reader” stars Ralph Fiennes, who played the lead Nazi in “Schindler’s List” and Voldemort, two of cinema’s most loathed villains. Though “Milk” may be thought-provoking, the name alone detracts from its quality. Though Regis Philbin never appears in the film, we’ve all seen enough of his chicklet-like dentures to deter us from seeing “Slumdog Millionaire,” and, well, we all know what happens in “Frost/Nixon.”
I’ve rarely agreed with the Best Picture Oscar winner. This year, I think the Academy would have been better off honoring crowd-pleasers like “Pineapple Express,” “The Dark Knight” or the severely underrated “21” — though I may have only enjoyed it because I watched it drunk and jet-lagged on a transatlantic plane flight. So, in a role reversal of sorts, I’m now going to present some awards to the Academy for its faultiest choices during the past decade.
In 2007, the Best Picture Oscar was given to “No Country for Old Men,” which would have been more aptly titled “No Movie for Entertainment-Seeking People.” Not only was it disturbing, but it also kept no one’s attention. Personally, I got four ICEE refills during the movie and subsequently took two bathroom breaks, while the couple behind me snored over the gratuitous and very loud explosions. “Chicago” was a big winner in 2002, yet I question the taste of anyone who likes musicals past the age of four. And don’t even get me started on the fact that “The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” won this esteemed award during my lifetime.
But, I’ve got to give credit where credit’s due. Those old men of the Academy make some good choices here and there. Both “Gladiator” and “The Departed” were winners, in 2000 and 2006, respectively, and both are bona fide badass. “American Beauty,” the 1999 winner, is one of the greatest movies of our time; inspired by Kevin Spacey’s performance, I often think about pursuing a career in fast food. And of course, my heart would have never gone on if “Titanic” didn’t rightly win in 1997 — though Leo was snubbed of his Best Actor nom.
In my opinion, the Academy needs to revert to some of its old criteria, giving awards to films that people have actually seen, and better yet, enjoy. I’m not quite sure who serves on this elusive “Academy,” but they should really get off their high horses and nominate some crowd-pleasers. And if they’re too stubborn to do that, than at least give us a good host. Until then, the only benefits from this snore of a show are the style shows panning the dresses, which are reminiscent of cupcakes, and the satirical movies that mock the inane Oscar obsession. (While watching this year’s Best Picture is likely a waste of time, you really should watch 2006’s “For Your Consideration,” a genius spoof about the Oscar craze.) Or, if we’re really lucky, there might just be a good drunken speech, Angelina kissing a family member — she’s got plenty to choose from — or Jack Nicholson showing up with Miley on his arm.
Abby’s column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at a.coster@cavalierdaily.com.
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